Step Outside These Walls...

I was wathing 27 dresses again. So, bare with me, okay. It's one of my most adored shows in the whole wide world. Maybe it's the wedding, the marriage, the storyline or maybe it's just James Marsden. Haha.. but I watched it again and, I ended up sobbing my eyes out again.

As we all know by now, I'm a long winded person so therefore it's going to be a long post. Hopefully not that depressing this time :) 

Jane walks into the restaurant to give George his wallet, because he's left it at the office, only to find that George's proposing to Tess. As Jane walks in, the music starts and the waiters unfold the banner that says, " Please marry me." and George goes, " No, no fellas. She's not the one."

I feel so sad for her. I mean, that's the man you're so in love with and to hear those words slip through those lips, doesn't it just break your heart? It's as though your heart just crashes onto the floor and shatters into a million pieces. And then you can hear those words echoing in your head. She's not the one. She's not the one. She's not the one. 

Rejection is never pretty, and then having to suck it up when your beloved baby sister walks through those doors and everything you've dreamed and hoped for, just gets thrown onto her lap. Everything you've worked for and you want. She gets it just like that. How can life be so unfair? Why can't I have that? And why am I not the one? Am I defective? Thoughts like that just destroy you. Rip your self esteem to shreads. And you can only question yourself; Am I not good enough?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Next they're back home and Jane's daddy hears about the engagement. He's so happy, overcomed with joy, that he walks into the backroom to fetch their mum's dress. Then, he hands its to Tess for the wedding.

Imagine you're Jane. All you've ever wanted was to have the exact same replica of your parents wedding. That dress. One that you've held precious and dear all these years. You're looking forward to it so much for that one day when your prince will sweep you off your feet and you'll be able to put on that white dress and say, " Look mum, I'm just like you. This is my day." 

But in the end, Bridezilla, Tess, gets it instead. Your heart drops to the pitch of your stomach, you can't breath and though you want to kick and cry and probably tear Tess and your daddy to shreads, you can't. Why? You've got to be happy for your baby sister. It's only proper. You're only about to lose your mind. Life's so unfair. It's suppose to be mine! Get your own freaking dream and leave mine alone!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

Jane ruins Tess and George's wedding by doing a slideshow about the ' real ' Tess and she feels horrid about it. She runs out of the restaurant and Kevin runs out after her onto the street. They're arguing about how Jane just ruined her life and Kevin says it's great that she's finally done something for herself. And the real reason he came tonight was so he could be there for her as he knew it would be difficult for her. 

The part that always brings me to tears, no matter what, is when he pulls her towards him and forces her to listen to him as he utters these very words, " But I want you to know that I think you deserve, I think you deserve more than what you've settled for. I think you deserve to be taken care of for a change. I believe that."

If I haven't said this enough, then I shall once more. Can't you see that's all I want? For me to reach the point when I shall be Jane. To deserve that; more than what I have settled for. That I deserve to be taken care of for a change. And the best part, is that someone other than I, believe that. I wouldn't be delusional that way. To be such a wishful thinker until I'm finally able to deceive and convince myself that I indeed deserve that. Every person on the face of the earth wants to know that they're good enough, nice enough, pretty enough to deserve something that special. Ultimately, to be loved. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When Jane and Tess are in the hardware shop because their dad set them up and they're having it out about how Jane sabotaged Tess' wedding. After all the throwing of objects and other things, Tess finally comes clean about why she lied to George.

Tess : I just wanted to be someone he wanted. Someone he could respect. I wanted to be you.

Jane : Why? Why would you want to be me when you could be you?

How many times have we had this misunderstanding with other people? Everyone always thinks the other's life is easier, better and that the grass on the other side truly is greener. And I believe the only reason someone else can believe that is because we're such good actors to be able to convince the other person that the mask we have on truly is who we are. 

I guess in the end, we've just got to realize that other people, no matter how they try to play it off, they are insecure about themselves too. And sometimes, it's okay to have to lean onto others for a moment. After we gain our strength, then we can be who we are, for real, too. Because somewhere, outthere, someone's bound to love us. And that, includes our flaws.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After all that, the movie finally starts to move into resolve mode. Jane's wedding to Kevin Doyle finally arrives. As the bridesmaids are about to walk down the aile in the beautiful beach wedding, the camera goes back and forth between each bridesmaid and a potential partner with whom they allow you to assume are going to end up together. Then Jane's turn arrives to walk down the aile with her proud father at her side. And she starts narrating.. 

Jane : Everything was perfect. And I didn't care. Because right then, the only thing that mattered was the person waiting for me at the end of the aile. And he was looking at me the way I had always hoped. 

And then Kevin smiles. It's that look in which the whole movie relies on to make it big. The huge resolve that'll piece everything together. The whole movie snowballed to this one moment that would complete it. The feelings reflected in his eyes, just speak a million words. The adoratation, love and contentment is present.

Just like that, life might just be snowballing into that one moment we all hope for. To be able to experience it. It's the one we're tried to write over and over again in our stories and they just seem to come out wrong, or not good enough. Our perfet fairytale that we hope will happen to us; our wedding. And no matter how imperfect everything was leading up to that one moment, it wouldn't matter because those will just become minor unimportant details in the end. Look at the bigger picture, not the gritty itty bitty details.  

Once Jane arrives at the end of the aile, Kevin takes her hand. 

Kevin : So was this moment everything you hoped for? 

Jane : No... It's more. Much more. 

Marriage is a cause for celebration. 

Ammo Usage...

Lately, I've been missing you more than ever.

Maybe it's because I haven't been to KL in a while.

Maybe it's because I miss talking to you.

Maybe it's because I miss you telling me things as it is. 

Maybe it's because..

Because I just miss you.

And yet...

I can't find the courage within me to pick up the phone and dial you.

It's because I'm afraid that once I use up that chance, it'll be gone. 

That chance is all I have. When that's used up, I won't get it anymore. 

I'd be left powerless... alone. Hanging. Without any power over what might happen.

But.. if I keep that once chance, one opportunity, there might be some hope. Some chance to mend things. Make them better. Patch things up. 

And yet, the odds seem to be against me. 

Do you miss me as much as I miss you?

I hope so.

___________________________________________

I was talking to Adam just now on the way back from college. And he said quite a few things that, well, I hadn't thought about it that way before. Izzy probably knows who I'm talking about. 

Concerning the above, I do miss a friend and I haven't spoken to him in quite a long while. I don't think of him anymore than a friend, I promise. Just enjoy his company a whole lot. That's all. And well, because of something that happened in the beginning of the year, we're not really on speaking terms. And I want that to stop. Like I said, I miss him. And I don't want us to end on such a note. 

As mentioned, I'm afraid to ring him up because, what happens if he says, he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore? It would break my heart. I don't think I could deal with that. Really. I believe that. It would be my one shot at making amends. So, if I use up that chance, then I won't be able to do anything more. But if I don't, then I still have that opportunity to do so, right? Patch things up. Make things right.

Using weird gamer anology, Adam brought it into perspective.

Why would you want to keep your ammo? If you don't use it, then what's the use? You'd be killed otherwise. Even if you run out of ammo, at least you're killing more bad guys. Why save your ammo? And what're you saving your ammo for? If you don't defend yourself, you might get killed and then what? Game over. And even if you use all your bullets and lose by default, as least you gave it a shot and tried your best. 

That's all that matters, right?

Also, sometimes in a game, you have to shoot something to gain something. Like shoot a big truck to gain a health pack or more ammo, so in that way, sometimes you've got to take a chance to gain something more worthwhile. Even if it may not be your ultimate desired outcome. 

Just something to think about, everyone. 

And I think, I will call him :)

Hand Me Downs No More..

Do you have an older sibling? Remember that lovely purple mini skirt they used to wear and made everyone " Oooo " and " Ahhh " over it? Well, what luck. That skirt just got shoved right into your hands. Now won't you be the centre of attention? You'd finally have your turn in the spotlight. 

But that's not the case.

The skirt is no longer what it used to be. Worn out, tattered, full or rips and tears. Are you expected to trot around in this thing? It's horrid. So broken, it should belong in a trash can. But you can't bear to throw it out. You know it's past glory. You know what potential it once had. Yet, can it ever be restored to it's former glory again?

Probably not. It's a hand me down after all. You should hate hand me downs. You deserve brand new clothes that are able to withstand the test of time. Able to make you feel good. And make you more confident instead of leaving you sheepish all the time, wondering if people are laughing at you for wearing that tattered old hand me down skirt. 

Just the same, I don't want your hand me down love. I'm better than that. I've finally realized it. So, don't waste your time repairing the skirt. In fact, just toss it out the window. You can keep your lousy skirt. I'm going out to get myself a LV fur coat with a pair of Jimmy Choo's to go along with it. 

Fudge you. 

You Can't Fight Gravity Either..

Have you ever tried forcing a nail through steel?

No? Well, it doesn't take a genius to know what's going to happen.

Does the nail make it through the steel in the end?

We all know the answer; no.

You can't make someone love you.

It's impossible.

Not even if you do everything right.

Not even if you listen to everything they say. Not just the words they speak aloud, but the unspoken ones as well.

Not even if you can spot them a mile away in a crowd just because you know that's how they move. 
Not even if you're able to pick up their scent down a random hallway.

You can't make someone love you.

Not even if you think you can have anyone you like.

Not even when you want to give them pieces of yourself.

Not even when you give them your whole entire being.  

Not even when you're there whenever they need you.

Not even when you're there whenever they don't need you too.

Not even if you'd do anything for them. 

You can't make someone love you.

Not even if you asked them to. 

Not even if you can't stop loving them. 

You can't make someone love you.

Have I made myself clear? My heart breaks. Can you heart it?

I'm depressing like that.

I Want To Fall In Love..

I want to fall in love. 

I want to fall desperately and uncontrollably in love.
I want to feel that his existence is as important as every breath I take. 
I want to feel empty when he's not with me. 
I want to feel absolutely complete when I'm with him. 
I want to be miserable when he's unhappy.
I want to be happy when his life is going good. 
I want to be co-dependent. I don't want to be alone.
I want to be loved unconditionally.
I want to love someone unconditionally.

I want to fall in love. It's such a simple statement yet, entirely selfish. However, it isn't bad to be able to admit that there is an emptiness within us that we want to fill but have no clue how.

It's odd to want to try to express the empty feelings that gnaws when you're walking down the street and see a couple kiss or a valentine's card, knowing nobody is looking for one for you. It's difficult.
 
It's an emptiness that makes you feel like you've missed out. What happened to my share of frogs that I'm supposed to kiss? My highschool years should have been filled with at least one frog, or maybe if I'm lucky, with my prince, but all I have to show is nothing. Zilch. Where was my drama? My heartbreaks? It leaves you wondering what it's like to hold someone's hand. When did I make the wrong choice? It makes you feel left out. Naive.
 
Of course being alone isn't all bad. Nobody has ever been close enough to hurt you. But then, haven't you ever wanted someone to hurt you? Just for the sake of experiencing it. It's easy to keep going, occupying your mind until you can't actually feel anything. And yet, once you slow down, everything catches up to you and hits you like a train.
  
There has to be someone out there.. right?
Prince Charming, find me soon. Find me.

Catch the Vine, Swing Across..

Have you ever wondered how you should love someone? 

Should you cherish it to the point that you might become over possessive? 

or 

Should you just leave it be and almost take it for granted?

You probably don't really get me at this point, huh.

I don't know, I've been thinking that sometimes, you might be afraid to love too much because, if you do put yourself, 100 %, into it, you might end up hurt in the end. 

Basic survival instinct No. 1. Self Preservation.

Yet, if you're never able to commit yourself entirely, you'll never fully be in a relationship. It would be half hearted and that'll hurt the relationship even more. 

I don't know but I like what this says. I think it's good. But it's so scary. 

" The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost."

Grab it now or it'll be gone forever. Yet, that blinding leap to the other side of tha ravin is so scary. What happens if you miss the vine? You'll be falling into a deep dark pit. But, the prize on the other side is, worth it?

Don't you agree? I'm going off for camp now. 

Loves, everyone. Till I'm back.

Redundant Love

You know I was out with these two people for a couple of days and I couldn't help but notice so many things. I don't know why. Normally these observations are somewhat like a footnote only, but these particular observations were like the entire document in word art.

It just wouldn't stop plaging my mind.
It wouldn't shut up.
it wouldn't leave me alone!

Okay, a tinche of drama there, but that's me.

So, these two have been having some relationship issues and stuff for the past few weeks. Going through rough patches and such. Well, the boyfriend was obviously trying to win her back again since they broke, but I guess since they were sort of " on a date " that she was giving him that opportunity to " prove himself " and what other nonsense. * sigh * FINE. it's not nonsense but it sure feels that way.

Moving on, as we all know, the economy hasn't been very good. With that said, he's merely a student and as for work, it's only part time. But yet, he still pays for everything and I mean everything. Walk into a shop, he buys this for her. Go out for dinner, he pays and whatever else she wants. Aiyoh, I don't know. I mean, if he was filthy rich and all that then that's a different matter. And the worst part is that he's been borrowing money from other people which makes it.. I don't know. It's just really bad.

It's hard, you know, to sit by the side lines as a friend who cares and watch the girl twirl the guy around her little pinky. Worst-er still, is that she knows she's got him wrapped around her little pinky. And she toes with his heart strings and then leaves him cold. it's almost torture. I don't know what to make of it.

Not only that, she uses him and oh, she USES him. Pick me up here, drop me off there. Take me here, take me there. Isn't it nice having your own personal chauffeur? What more, this driver would give her world just to see you smile. He watches out for her feelings all the time. he gets stressed out because he's afraid she might not be happy. If anything goes wrong, he blames himself.

I guess it's driving me insane. I can't bare it no longer. Had to get it out. But after reading this, and I'm not just making it sound worst, I'll telling it as it is, doesn't your heart just go out to the guy? Don't you just want to tell him to ditch the girl and be YOUR BOYFRIEND? He'd be better off without her.

But you can't. Because she has his heart. And he's 100% devoted to her. It breaks my heart. It's almost like umrequited love. She's got full authority to trample all over his heart, then nurse it back together just so she can trample all over it again and again. Sadist.