Perfect Is Woman-Made...

I was talking to Izzy a few weeks ago.. Maybe more than a month by now. I don't know. I tend to lose track of time now. Well, we were on the topic of " your knight in shining armor ". You know, your dream guy fantasy. I know you've had it. I have to. Just that most of the time his face is blocked out by the shining sun or something. Heh.

At age seven or eight, fairytales fill your head with crazy thoughts of men being all that and more. Then mummy comes along and tells you that you deserve a certain standard; Someone who should love you and have a decent job, good family, you know the drill. So yeah, you've been pre-programmed. So here's our image of the guy we want :

An independent guy who is able to support and love us. He should be able to speak his mind yet switch to his more tender and sensitive side when dealing with us. He doesn't have to be a total gentlemen but ensuring doors don't smack into our faces would be nice. And the list goes on..

Then reality happens and you realize, shoot! Men aren't as those fairytales said they would be. Finding one that mummy described is almost close to impossible too! What the heck. Oh and to make matters worse, you realize you don't really like the proper guy too which is your entire dream guy's package.

Yeah. Basically everything isn't going your way. Your dream guy doesn't seem to be coming along at all! Woe was me. But there is this one dude. He's nothing like your perfect guy. In fact, quite the opposite. But he's nice enough.. You like him and maybe even love him. But logic tells you no! That's not your dream guy.

Well, tell logic to butt out! Because one thing you've learned from then till now is that, fairytales don't happen. Your happy ending isn't going to find you. In fact, you can wait for all eternity. It ain't happening, not in this lifetime.

You want one, you make one :)

Pass the Cup Around..

If I've blogged about this before, I apologize. If I haven't then, please continue reading. I know I can simply just clear up the conclusion by checking my older post but I don't really feel like doing that at the moment.

I have come to realize there are two types of people in the world. The first type are those with a long string of ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. And that's okay, you know. Dating around and deciding, finding out what you like and what you don't. And of course, need I mention you'll also gain lots of experience? ( not in that way, you fool! Get your head out of the gutter! ) But the downside is that you have to kiss all those frogs before finding your prince.

Then there's the second type. These people, I can relate to. I am one of them. We're not someone with a long long list of ex's. It's like, we try our best not to allow ourselves to be " tainted ", so to say. We just wait for that one person. But why? Why would you just keep yourself to that one when you could try others? Why don't you date around and see what you like? What you want? I don't know about other people but here's how I feel.

Let's just imagine I'm a full cup, filled with only the best wine. And when I date a person, they drink from me. If I take too many, so many people would've tasted of me and then, if I'm not careful, there won't be any of me left. I'd be an empty cup. But if I waited, for that one person, for that one right person whom I am meant to be with, he could have all of me. A full cup of the best wine all for him. And that's all I want to give him. All that I am able to.

My logic is, why kiss all the frogs when you can just go right for your prince? Who cares if he might be a Shrek, he's YOUR prince :)

Last Leg...

I wish you wouldn't give up on the human race. I wish you wouldn't lose all hope in us. I wish you'd return to what you once where. I wish..

I know you're tired. I know you feel like you can't go on anymore. And I know that you just want to give up and stop playing this game. You say you're too old for it, and maybe you are.

You know, it's odd how sometimes you can break my heart without even touching it. Not only that, you don't even have to be talking about me. Just speaking of your experiences which make me so sad, I want to cry for you.

I know you're older. I know you've got more experience in everything. I also know that you want nothing more to love and be loved back. Yet, you can't obtain that one thing because you're jaded.

Jaded. It is a state that one becomes in when one has been exposed to too many bad things and loses their faith in the ability for things to change in a positive manner. Very similar to numb; is a bad thing because it causes one to lose their drive to want to fix things.

I know it hurts when you've put all your hopes and dreams and emotions and efforts into that one person thinking this time, it finally will be the right one for me. And then it just blows up in your face. It's tiring. It's draining. It's frustrating as hell.

But I'm asking you, this one last time. Don't give up. Just wait, wait a little longer. I'm right in front of you yet you see nothing.

So please, see me.

Invisible Ability.

Superheroes are something mystical and magical. What defines them are the super powers and inhumane abilities. Sometimes I wonder if I am one too.

I'm always by your side. I'm always there for you.

I'm always cheering for you and will always be on your side.

Yet, you don't see me.

I figured I must have the invisible ability.

Best friends of the opposite ( and now in today's world, even the same.. ) sexes. I hardly need to say anything more and most, if not all, of you would know the dangers of it. Emotions that may develop as you maintain that long string of friendship years. And then it just blows up in your face.

You know your best friend the best. You've been through thick and thin. You've also had your fair share of good times. Even watched him grow up. And also watched him go through his share of bimbos and lousy girlfriends. Through all that, you've always been by his side, supporting, cheering and loving him.

And yet, he doesn't see you as someone who could become his life partner. Heck, he doesn't even give you a chance. Afraid of what may happen if you say anything, you keep these beautiful precious feelings locked away in your heart. Burying them for all eternity.

Just so you can keep him close.

Just so you can see that goofy smile of his again.

Just so he'll continue to hear you whine about your lousy group mates and assignment.

Just so he'll be there for you.

Just so he'll stay your best friend and nobody can question your actions.

Just that is enough, right?

Be satisfied, my greedy heart.

Today is Enough.

I learned many things when I was young. Many of those things crushed and put and end to my blissful childhood. Such as, Santa Claus isn't real. And the toothfairy really was my mummy leaving money under my pillow. When I was really young, I also learned that forever doesn't exist.

My best friends used to say " We'll be best friends forever."

Many of them I hardly even remember anymore.

" I'll be with you forever." Many boys have said this till sometimes you wonder if it's only lip service. A sort of obligation that each of them are required to profess to you.

None of these ever happened. Forever is like a mystical elusive beast. One of which I have never encountered. I have also never heard or seen it existing in reality. Seeing is believing, right?

So when you say, " You'll love me forever ", what am I supposed to think?

I'm sorry I doubt you when you say such things to me.

I know it hurts you when you think that I don't trust you.

That I don't believe you when you speak of your visions of eternal happiness together.

Of shared memories, happy moments and lazy Sunday mornings spent in bed together for the rest of our lives.

But how do you know that what we have, what we share is able to withstand the test of time? Of emotional volcanic eruptions that are sure to come? Are we strong enough? Will I be able to see the relationship through? It doesn't even have to be in a romantic sense.

What if you move to a far far away land? Will you keep in touch? Will I see you? Or what if I wrong you so badly that you can't even stand the sight of me? How will you hold my hand through those tough times anymore?

So don't speak to me about forever.

I just want to hear about today. Please.

Bestfriend Shackles.

I sit across you at the restaurant and watch you gush about that girl you're so in love with. Your eyes light up with such affection and intensity, your cheeks tainted just the slightest pink and your smile; Your smile is one of pure bliss and happiness that you've finally found that one special person you can hold close. You speak about her 24/7 but I guess it's only to be expected for smitten couples. How I wish I could have even just a fraction of that.

I'm the perfect best friend. I'm playing my role as I should. As what is expected of me. I listen, advise and understand all you're going through.

I hurt when you hurt.

I console you when you're down.

I'm there for you when you're on the verge of insanity.

I'm worried about your well being.

I want to make it all better but I know I can't. That fact alone kills me.

When the storm between the both of you have passed, I'm glad you're happy again. I really try my best to feel happy for you.. As I should.

But I feel like a fraud.

Why? Because although I play the role of the perfect best friend, at the back of my mind, there is a nagging thought that refuses to leave me be.

I want you to break up with her!

How can I pretend to tell you to keep trying, keep going and it's all going to be better?

" Don't worry, you'll overcome this bump in the road. I know you can. She's the one. Don't fret, she loves you. And you love her! Just give it some time. Only time will tell. Don't give up, she's too special to lose! "

Can you imagine how much it kills me to say such things to you? In actuality I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, " Dump her and be with me!" But I can't. Because I'm the best friend. I'm not supposed to do things like that. I should be encouraging you, uplifting you and wanting you to be happy always. Because I care for you. And love you.

So here I am again, sitting across you as you gush about her even more. Probably telling me what a wreck you've been the entire week because you had a fight but miss her so much.

And here I am, telling you to go back to her instead of ending it and.. Just picking me over her.

Because I am the best friend. Never the girlfriend.

I always wished you'd been mine.

Journey to El Dorado Gone Bad

I've had a very epiphany-full weekend. Tons of self realization and slaps in the face! And at the end of it all, I wonder, " Was I blind ?"

It was as though I was in the amazon jungle trying to find El Dorado, the city of gold! With nothing more than a parang in my hand, I fought through thick and thin to get to my destination. After putting in so much effort, blood and sweat, I finally found El Dorado! But wait, it's not the city of gold. It's just a rock; A big fat useless ROCK!

Have you any idea how disappointed I am? To have so much hope, expectations, respect and then to have it all blow up in your face, it just.. It hurts! It's frustrating! It makes me angry!

I don't care that rocks, under the right pressures can bloom into a diamond.

I don't care how much potential is has!

I don't care that it may be worth millions later!

I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!

BECAUSE, right now it's still just a rock. What if's and could be's doesn't matter.

All that matters right now is what is in front of me at this moment.

And it is still, a rock.

Has anyone encounters situations like that before? You think the world of the other person ( may be a boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other or best friend even.. ) only to find out they are actually not all you thought they were. You pour so much into the relationship and while it goes on, you think it's all good, the best and you lasted for so long! But one day, it ends and when all the biased feelings are gone, you see their true selves. And it's so ugly. You wonder what kept you from seeing that giant elephant right in front of you.

But all is not lost, because it has ended.

And you have seen.

And that's all that matters right now.

So, just try not to make the same mistake again because if you do, the one hurt will be you.