I'm angry and tired and sad and, I just don't want to deal with it right now, so fuck off.
I don't want to look at you, or talk to you, or be with you, or know you and I certainly don't want to need you to be who you were when it mattered. I don't want to run into you on the street and have an awkward moment of nothing to say. I don't want you to worry about me because there isn't anything you can say or so that we haven't already tried.
I don't want YOU!
I don't want to be irritated, because it is as much my fault as it is yours ( or at least that is what I keep telling myself so I'll stop blaming you.. ). I don't want to care but I do, and I don't want to die knowing that I cared too much or too little or not the ways you needed me to because it doesn't matter anymore. I don't want it to matter in five years or in five minutes or five seconds, that you have become what I asked you never to be..
A nightmare.
I don't want to go to places with people that we both know, knowing that you are going to be a topic at some point and I don't want everyone to tip toe in my presence ( that lacks the honestly that is the only thing I will ever ask for! ). I hate the fact that you were such a big thing. And that you didn't know it or that you did and I got blown off, because frankly it hurts. I got the lousy end of the deal. I hate the fact that there was such a gross misinterpretation of the situation at some point and that you were probably responsible and that I was naive enough to think otherwise.
Having said all that, I don't hate you. Really. I just don't respect you as much as I used to. I used to think you were the greatest person on two legs. I admired your intelligence! I wondered at the thing you accomplished in your few years of life. I used to lie awake at night thinking about you and wishing you the best in life. I still pray for you, you know. I still hope that you will finish fighting your own nightmares and find what it is you're looking for. I still think you are wrong, but maybe I'm just bitter and I don't want to deal with you or it right now.
I don't have to send this to you or post it or tell you how I feel because someday you will read this. And you won't ever know who it was from or what it was about and neither will you know that it is directed to you, and for you. This will be the last thing you will ever be getting from me. You won't know, but you'll recognize enough of that I have written to know that no matter who it is from or for, it is talking straight to your heart. There is enough of truth here.
I imagine that when you do, and if you do, read this, you will find it incredibly enlightening. You will probably have some half-baked trip into guilt, so right now I am going to tell you that this isn't about you anymore. You might want to call me and ask if I have ever written something like this or maybe you'll just wimp out and email me. You might want that.. But I doubt you'd ever do anything. You would rather have the guilt remain unconfirmed so that you don't have to deal with it either.
You're a sorry excuse for a human being. I'm glad you're gone.
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