Expectations, I Cannot Do Without.

There is a certain expectation when I go out with someone.

Perhaps a plan of how the day or evening should play out.

Certain things that I would like for to happen throughout the outing.

And when these things don't happen, I get upset.

I am disappointed.

I get frustrated because I expected something.

More so if I waited to see you.

More so if while I'm waiting for hours on end.

More so if I'm really exhausted but I still want to see you.

And when I do, it just doesn't go according to plan.

And you want to know what the funny thing is?

It is no fault of yours at all.

It's all me.

I'm sorry I'm so messed up.

Maybe it's just best to not expect anything.

But then the question is, is that even possible?

I would think not.

How's the Weather Up There?

Has anyone ever wondered why in most couples, the female tends to be shorter than the male? Put aside the 'uncommon' couples whereby the woman is actually taller than the man.

Normally, the idea of a shorter man is a complete turnoff to most woman. Why?

You know how they say men are more visual creatures? That happens to be very very true.  Why do you think porn is such a lucrative industry?

When a man gazes down at a woman, her features appear softer and smaller and less threatening (resembling that of a child). It basically just makes them look better (think small nose, big puppy eyes looking right at you, pouty mouth). See? It makes them appear 'vulnerable' and 'fragile'. This then ignites the whole 'protective' instinct that exists in men; paternal instinct to protect the weak. You could say it's evolution's gift.

And what about women, you ask? Females aren't known to be as concerned with looks as their counterparts. But! Bear in mind that when you look up at a person, it's some sort of 'authority' as they are bigger than you so therefore you, being the smaller creature would obviously submit to them so you can stay alive. I'm obviously referring to the whole caveman-uncivilized, you get it.

So males look down (literally, this time) on female which makes them want to provide for and protect this weaker sex. Females look up at males and because of previous conditioning (think a child looking up at an adult, conditioned that the 'bigger' person is in charge. Authority and all that), she will submit to him.

And that is how you have a happy home.
Or at least, that was. In today's world? Pfftt.. Good luck.
You may be better off with a T-rex.

Concurring Thoughts.

It's been a while since I've written anything on here. I think the last post dates back about a year or two at least. So what am I doing here, you ask? I'm not too sure either. Probably procrastinating from working on my thesis or something along those lines. It's always something like that, one way or another.

I came across one of my older posts. You can check it out here. It basically speaks about a person being in a relationship and thinking the world of their significant other. But once the relationship ends, suddenly their eyes are open and they see their ex's true colors.

Fours years down the road. Here I am. And I am able to tell you without a doubt that it is entirely true. When I look back, I really do wonder if I was drunk throughout the entire relationship. But as the post said, the good part is that it is now over. And it would be wise to not allow another situation like that to take place.

I pray it doesn't. Fingers crossed this time.
I want to update. I should update. I need to update.
This is therapy.

BL : The Wheels of the Car go Round and Round.

Hello people of the world, how is your day going? Fine, I hope. Well, I couldn't sleep and thought I'd pop on here for a bit and give you all a little more reading material. Aren't I a sweety?

Being a girl in a very asian culture, I am brought up to accept that men are the superior gender and they go out and bring home the 'bacon' while women stay home and train to be the perfect homemakers. Of course this follows suit with every other stereotype about gender. For today, we shall focus on being a man and how it encompasses being a gentleman, paying for dates and the list continues.

I have two thoughts today. The first is if you are a guy and you drop a female home (whether in a relationship or not), do you wait for her to enter the house before you drive off?

Answer is? Definitely! The world is so dangerous today, anything can happen in that short period of time from the gate to the front door. Not only that, you ensure that she didn't forget her keys and end up being locked outside or.. Well, insert more reasons here. But you get my drift, don't you?

Now for the second question. This is where it gets interesting. In the world today, many women have independence and now drive themselves around. Sometimes, it may even be that the woman has a car and the man doesn't. In those cases, (again it is irrelevant if you're dating or not) the female would then proceed to drop the male home.

Now, what I want to know is, do you wait for him to enter his house before driving off? Would his masculinity be threatened by you, a girl, doing so? Just think about it for a bit. It's not only that you already have to drop him off when it should be the other way around but now you also have to wait for him? And what about him being a 'man' so he can take care of himself. Which also means that if a thief was to attack him, he would obviously be able to handle the situation by himself.

So, I'm at a lost. For one, I would obviously want to ensure his safety. And it's rude to drive off without waiting. But on the other hand, I don't want to offend him nor hurt his ego. Correct? Well, if anyone has other things to add or share, do let me know. I'm all ears.

Selfish Person.

A happy new year to you all! It's great to see that there are still visitors though I haven't updated in umpteenth years. But it's a new year and we shall see what new ideas spring to mind along with the days.

In anycase, have you ever had a situation where something happened and you know something happened but you refused to mention it because you were afraid of 'fighting' so much? In a sense, it's as though you're tip toe-ing around the other person to 'avoid' any possible drama? I'm sure you have. There's a higher tendency to happen between couples that have passed the one year mark. I'll probably explain why in another post. Guess you'll just have to stay tuned but for one, let's focus on the thought at that.

In my mind, as long as you don't say anything, the issue isn't there. You can both go along your lives as though nothing is the matter. Even if the white elephant is staring you right in the face, it doesn't exist because no one said anything.

But once I mention it, and even though the issue is resolved, each time something similar happens the previously solved issue will resurface. It will always be at the back of your mind. And I don't want that, because I will see and notice it. And when I see it, I will feel the guilt that this is happening only because I said something and I was being selfish.

But at the end of the day, aren't we all selfish people?

The Forbidden Fruit...

Do you recall in the garden of Eden how the serpent tempted Eve and made her eat the fruit of the tree of life? And how she made Adam do the same too?

This got me thinking about the attraction that doing something " forbidden " has towards us humans. I mean, why do we do it? We know it's wrong yet there is some carnal desire inside of us that longs to live dangerously, to deny the norm and step out of our comfort zone.

It makes me wonder if that's why there are so many incestuous relationships happening worldwide. Or maybe that's due to people just looking for a quick convenient way to find release. But then there are couples who claim that they're in love with one another, even more so than when they were with other " ordinary " people.

Is that to say that since the relationship is so dangerous that it helps to fuel the passion? I do honestly wonder about it though. Any thoughts on the subject is more than welcomed, as always :)

The Steps are Ringing.

A couple of days back, a friend of mine took all my rings which left my fingers bare and boy, did they feel naked! Which brought me to my thoughts for the evening. It's a little shallow in comparison to my usual posts but, change is good, no?

The below may be considered the " norm " but do bare in mind that not everyone adopts such customs so, just read and accept it with an open attitude. However, this does by no way mean I believe in the below either. I'm just saying.. ( yes, I know. Rachel's ALWAYS just saying.. )

There are typically three steps to getting married. Three steps in terms of rings, I mean.

1. The Promise Ring.

I don't know how many of you have yet to hear about such a thing as the promise ring. Perhaps you would know it better if I referred to it as a " friendship ring " meaning there is no promise to marry. Of course this friendship rings turns into a promise ring when, obviously, there is a promise to marry. To put it simple, it is a pre-engagement ring - There is a chance of a future together. This is typically worn on the ring finger ( Fourth finger - Between the pinky and the middle finger ) of the left hand.

2. The Engagement Ring.

Of course everyone has heard of this and if you haven't well, maybe it's about time you crawled out from under that rock of yours. An engagement ring is a testimony to love and the commitment of the couple that is engaged to be married. A woman typically gets this after the guy proposes. This can go on to replace the promise ring. By giving an engagement ring ( normally a diamond or some other precious jewel ), the promise is sealed in " stone " ( do you get it now? Heee.. ) and is a way of telling the world that the person has made a commitment to someone else. Normally only the women wear an engagement ring but in the 21st Century that we live in, it is not uncommon for the male to wear the ring as well as to say to other women, " Hands off, he's mine!".

3. The Wedding Band.

I prefer the word wedding band as compared to wedding ring. It is worn by a couple that has been married. After the wedding, the wedding band is worn on the ring finger closes to the hand with the engagement ring above it (meaning closest to the tip of the finger). If the guy is creative, the rings may match and in certain situations, may sometimes interlock or are fused together to form one ring.

So yeah, I just thought that was interesting and it's something everyone should know. I mean, it's already common sense but if you didn't know that then well, at least you do now. I'm going to go have some ice-cream. Toodles! :)

I'm proudly a Virgo, are you?

I'm going to be touching on a rather taboo subject today; virginity and sex. So, if you don't think you want to read about something along those lines, please kindly navigate yourself to another post or page :)

I don't know if this holds true for the rest of you but the virgin species seems to be on the brink of extinction. Everyone seems to be doing " someone ". Sex has become a way of displaying how much you love the other person. In short, sex has become common, meaningless and a pastime.

What on earth is wrong with the world!

Perhaps it's just me with my traditional mindset so this seems to bother me. In my world, sex is not just a physical act of pleasure between two people. Oh goodness, it's so much more than that. Not because of what is done but because of what it represents and symbolizes. I've been taught since I was a young girl that your virginity is your most precious possession and once it's gone, that's it. You shouldn't lose it to just anyone.

But really, if it's such a special gift then don't you want to be sure that the person you're giving it to is the right person? I have a similar post on here : Pass the cup around. If you're interested, feel free to check it out.

As harsh as it is to say this, once you sleep around, you have kinda been " defiled ". You're not pure, untouched and special ( Only in the untouched virgin sense ). And you're supposed to give yourself as a gift to your partner? But it's not top grade anymore. Other hands, other people have touched your gift and you're wanting to give that to the person you're so in love with and want to spend your entire future with? Really! Think about it.

And what if you were on the other side, where you're the " pure " one. Don't you think you're being shortchanged? There you are saving yourself, resisting all sorts of temptation so that you can be all special for your significant other only to find out you're not getting the same in return. How does that make you feel?

To make it worse, if you're anything like the possessive person I am, it would drive you insane with rage to know that someone else besides you has done all these intimate things with your lover. Someone else has touched your " possession ". You're not the first anymore! You're probably second, third, forth or who knows but you get my point.

Argument. If you truly love the other person you will accept them for everything they are and have been. True, that you should but honestly speaking, don't you think it's going to bother the other person if even the slightest? And the best part? People always try to be people pleasers and try to be politically correct and know that if you ask them they should say that your past doesn't bother them at all, not one bit.

Argument. If the both of you are virgins, then you'd be awkwardly fumbling during your first time because you didn't know what you were doing. But if one had previous experience, then you know, you'd have better sex cause the other person knows what he/she is doing. True but really, would you want to have sex in a way someone else taught your future husband/wife? Like, it's not something original being produced by the both of you. It's not yours.

I don't know if I can accept someone who has been touched before. As mentioned earlier, I am the party that knows I should be politically correct. I know there's nothing I can do about the other person and what happened before me but at the same time, you can't help that it plagues your mind.

I need to clear my head.

On a completely random note, " Virgo " means sexually inexperienced woman in Latin.

If you're also a Virgo, please keep yourself for marriage.

Love of the Idea..

Sometimes I wonder if I'm actually in love or I'm in love with the idea of being in love. Most times it ends up being the latter which quite frankly scares me. I don't trust myself nor my judgement.

I always end up telling myself that it's just infatuation or just a temporal feeling because let's face it. It is one of the most wonderful feeling to know that someone out there cares, wants and craves for you. To be the object of such affection is an ego boost to anyone and because of that, most people are blinded and are unable to differentiate between actually loving the other person and loving the way the other person makes them feel.

Yes, to be fair it is a little bit of both. You first get attracted by how the other person treats you and how it makes you feel and then you slowly start appreciating the other person and the rest would hopefully be history. Well, that's my theory anyhow. But how do you know it's the above? I mean, classical conditioning, anyone? You stay because it makes you feel good. Plain and simple.

What happens if in that time that you stay with the other person, you just end up being all selfish and just keep on taking? What about the other person? What if you don't end up developing the feelings you thought you would? It would be unfair to your partner, yes? Because while you're there having the time of your life, they are there falling more and more in love with you only to be met with disappointment and hurt.

Of course the disappointment is me assuming that you would have enough brains to tell them that in the end, you just don't feel that way unless you want to go along and play the charade of perfect lovers and enter into a one-sided loveless relationship.

If you can stomach hurting the other person so badly for your entertainment then I think you need to get some help. But for those of you who can't, what do you do then?

Just dismiss it before it gets any worse or take the chance and hope that you may actually fall in love with the person?

Am I even making sense here? Oh goodness, I should just go to bed.

10 Candles Too Many..?

So here I am with my thoughts turning upside down in the world because I am way too free. For today's absurd thoughts, they have landed on the, " Older man and younger woman " topic. I would write about Cougars and younger men too but, I don't think I'm in any position to comment on that.. yet :P

I don't know about you but I know I've always found older men more attractive. I also know it's sort of frowned upon, not as much as it was back then but not totally tolerated just yet.

Older men, I find are so much more charming. How so? Maybe because they've been out in the playing field for so much longer, they hardly have to care about being cool or impressing anyone. They have found who they are and are confident. Their confidence is just.. well, pretty sexual ( omg, yes I just said sexual! lol.. ). They also have broken off from that rebellious stage of youth. Do I even need to mention maturity and stability of character here?

Older men are also more laid back and are prepared for the next stage of their life. You know, marriage, kids and prepared to be serious. They want to settle down. They have also more knowledge and therefore becomes a person you can learn from as well as look up to. There can be intelligent conversations instead of the usual shallow ones. Not to mention sexy educated banter ( just thinking about it makes me shriek in delight! So sexy! )

Apart from that they're so much more established financially and hardly ever have an issue when it comes for paying for dates ( yes, I sound like a gold digger now.. lol ). They're just more established personally and professionally. They have a drive and goal!

For this section, I can't say I've had my share of experience BUT! Older men are most of the time more experienced sexually. Because of this they can also focus more on giving and teaching instead of just getting off ( sorry, am I being too crude? ).

I also like that older men know how to be considerate ( if they're dating you for the right reason. There are still plenty of leechers out there. ) and appreciate you. Youngsters have this mock confidence that borders on being rude. Older men I find are more refined, calm and controlled. I feel special when I am on the arm of an older man. I know I'm being respected and treated as I should be; special.

Older men are just the best.

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative - Maurice Chevalier.

Wash the grief away..

This is a sub post from my very morbid thoughts on my own site. I somehow thought it would belong better here. Don't ask me why. It's probably because this needs an update before the end of May. And I can't come up with anything else.

Sometimes you bottle things up and claim that they do not affect you, not even the least. That is, till months pass and the wound has now turned gangrene. There's nothing more you can do but to cut it off, and let it go.

If you ever have to cry... Do it in the bathroom.

When your make-up has run and your mascara is gone, you can just say it was because you had your head under the tap. The splashing of the water as they make contact with the sink will cover up your chokes and sobs. The best part is that people in the next room won't ever know. The steams will then rise and soothe your puffy eyes, and if it doesn't, you can just say the water was too hot.

If you ever have to cry... Do it alone.

Like an animal goes to die, if you have tears, go and hide. Don't pollute your pillow with teardrops that will evaporate and leave tear stains, worst yet if they fog your dreams. Don't wait until you're at the bus stop in your dress suit with new straps to boot and try to conceal it behind your sunnies. All the commuters will see in the involuntary twist of your mouth, what should have been left at home. Don't save it up until someone innocently asks if you're okay. You will most certainly break.

If you ever have to cry... Do it alone and in the shower.

You can turn on the water hot and hard. You can huddle against the wall and hold your own shaking naked skin. Your face can be a private, humiliated mess of snot and salicylic acid. You can cry and cry and cry and think of all the bad things. You can collapse there, drowning in all your misery until the water heater can take no more. The shower will wash all those tears and all those thoughts down the drain. When you get out and step into your towel, the last spasm may come but you will be strong.

You pat your body dry and your eyes, too. You leave your sadness in the swirl of steam that will float away as soon as you open the door.

And that, my friend, is the only way to cry all the grief that is in your heart, out. Oh, shucks would you look at that, there's still some left.

The Maneaters - The Amazingly Brillant Woman

I was listening to Nelly Furtado's Manaeater the other day and this thought just struck me. What exactly is a maneater? And this is what I found out:

Main Entry: man–eat·er
Pronunciation: \ˈman-ˌē-tər\

Function: noun

Date: 1600

: one that has or is thought to have an appetite for human flesh
-Meriam-Webster Online-

That is the literal meaning but the unliteral meaning behind it is pretty much the same. It could mean the kind of girl that sucks out everything from a guy emotionally, material wise or even attention wise as well...

There are two types of maneaters in exact. There are the kinds that do it out in the open for everyone to see. Some of the boys know but choose to ignore what she does at the side and still decide to love her,use her and still provide for her. Maybe cause she has that killer body, an awesome way with words or she's that girl you know you could never have gotten in a thousand years. She asks for things like the latest coach bag or that Channel shoes in front of your friends shamelessly. Everyone knows what she's doing and deep down you do too but you decide to clearly ignore this.

Then there is the other kind. The kind of maneaters that not many are aware off. The ones that do it so subtly you barely see them lurking around unless you look very hard. Her preys are not the boys with the Mercedas or Benz but the ones that are doing moderately well or those that can afford that little extra here and there. She doesn't ask for luxurious items nor does she do it in front of your friends. She makes you feel lucky and she shows it when she talks to the other boys. She subtly tells you that she needs what she needs and she won't settle for any less. Be it the attention or material items that are not to over the top but deeply hurts your pocket. You slowly say goodbye to that occasionally dinner's at that new fancy restaurant or that yam cha session with your guyz.

She's brillant and she knows it. Your girl-friends will detect her at ease but as always your guys will reply with an opposite reply. And when you do find out her true intentions...You'll watch her walk away with the reply of "I thought we were just dating" or "We had fun didn't we, and that's that. You may even hear that cliche' line of " I told you from the beginning I never wanted something serious".

The Maneater:

-Be aware of her
-She's brillant...You can't deny it
-She walks in like a whirlwind and leaves like one
-An amazing con artist

And most importantly....SHE WILL BREAK YOUR HEART N YOUR POCKET

Lovez,
Izzy

The What If Guy

In every girl's life,
They would be a "what-if" guy,
The guy who you knew deep down could have been something but you never gave him the chance any time of the day,
They guy who looked like the one you can always rely and lie your head on his strong shoulders,
The one who knew how to randomly make you smile,

You'll always end up asking yourself "what-if" I gave him the chance he truly deserved,
And then you'll blame yourself for being so blind when the signs were pretty much shoved in your face,
There's no excuse to deny the truth,
There's no deny you shared some sort of chemistry with him,
It's not that he was everything you never wanted,
But he had most of the qualities,

Maybe you thought it was a "never could be" situation,
Maybe you thought he would never look at you that way,

Whatever it may be,
Wherever he may be,

At the end of the night when you're under your sheets you can help it as the..

What-If's linger...

Volcanoes Can Erupt...

I'm just full of posts this month :) And for the record, not everything I post is directed at someone, anyone. Please get off your high horse and realize that the world doesn't revolve around you :)

You know, I was just thinking. If your friends and your significant other ( in this case just boyfriend or girlfriend. Let's not even get into the whole marriage part yet.. ), if they hate each other then pretty much, the relationship isn't going to work out.

Now now, before you chuck hot water at me or call me a condom, just hear me out.

Firstly, you choose your friends based on how well you get along with them. You guys would have similar taste, character, you get it.. So, it's safe to assume that if your friends hate your boyfriend/girlfriend, there's a high possibility that you're going to eventually not like him/her very much.

Furthermore, haven't you noticed that, when you have a psycho boyfriend/girlfriend, your friends realize it months and months before you do. See, they don't have the whole euphoric blinding disease called love. Not dissing love, I for one am in love with love :)

So! Because these two groups of people dislike one another, they avoid each other. And you're forced to pick either to hang out with your boyfriend/girlfriend or your bunch of friends. After a while, alienation occurs either between you and your friends, whereby you ditch them and you're totally engulfed in the world that consist of only you and your boyfriend/girlfriend. Or, less likely to happen, alienation between you and your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Need I go on why this is bad?

I mean, just think about it logically. Your friends are your friends. They know you so well, even more so than your boyfriend/girlfriend will at this point. You guys have been through thick and thin, seen each other grow up and.. Maybe even known you your whole life. These people have seen you when you thought no one was looking, held your hand when you were lost in your own world and thoughts, and even seen you without make-up or heard you fart! You can't compete with bonds like that. They know you better than you may know yourself.

Real friends don't have ulterior motives. They're your friends.

This doesn't mean it's easy. I know it's not. To be able to find someone whom you're head over heels in love for and at the same time have your friends get along smoothly.

But really, they're your friends. Trust them :)

P/S - Ms. Asha, please don't terasa. Not for you, not at all.

Zombie Eyes...

Hello hello, it's Izzy's birthday today so in honor of that, I'm doing a post! :) Of course it doesn't reflect her one bit. It's another blue post so, again, if you're happy-happy-joy-joy, please save this for another day.

It dissapoints me. What does?

When you looked at me tonight, across my lovely plate of healthy cod fish that you thought I should start eating so I could maintain my weight and your wholesome chunk of steak that I actually wanted to order; a little part of me died.

You didn't see " me " that you fell in love with. In fact, you didn't see me at all. It was as though I've just become a nice piece of furniture in your life. I made myself invisible for you. I extinguished the fiery brilliance that I used to bounce off the walls with. Deep down I know that if I hadn't watered myself down for you, if I was still the girl you went through the motions of falling in love with, I would embarrass you. Without a doubt.

You always wanted me to sit down and be still. Just smile and look good. You thought I didn't make good arm candy.

I don't like who I became for you. I hate it! I don't like the way you silently critique me with your eyes. I don't like the way the corner of your mouth turns down when you ask me, " Are you really going to wear that?" I don't like it when you tell me that I shouldn't have cracked that many jokes, told that many stories, laughed that loudly or danced that wildly! I hate it when you tell me that two beers are more than enough.

I hated the fact that I needed your approval. As though I equated to nothing without a nod from you. I based my self-esteem on you and now I feel like a fool for doing so. It wasn't really the love in your eyes that lit me up. Rather, I needed you by my side so that everyone else could see that someone, at least someone, thought I was good enough. That thought alone now makes me want to hurl.

But the time has come, for my life to be about me and only me. Life with you isn't creating anymore interesting stories to tell. To hell with you, baby.

I've got me.

Leave me alone, Get out of my Face...

I read this somewhere and was surprised by how much I could relate. It would be a shame not to share. I added a little at the end. Do enjoy this, I know I did. :)

I'm angry and tired and sad and, I just don't want to deal with it right now, so fuck off.

I don't want to look at you, or talk to you, or be with you, or know you and I certainly don't want to need you to be who you were when it mattered. I don't want to run into you on the street and have an awkward moment of nothing to say. I don't want you to worry about me because there isn't anything you can say or so that we haven't already tried.

I don't want YOU!

I don't want to be irritated, because it is as much my fault as it is yours ( or at least that is what I keep telling myself so I'll stop blaming you.. ). I don't want to care but I do, and I don't want to die knowing that I cared too much or too little or not the ways you needed me to because it doesn't matter anymore. I don't want it to matter in five years or in five minutes or five seconds, that you have become what I asked you never to be..

A nightmare.

I don't want to go to places with people that we both know, knowing that you are going to be a topic at some point and I don't want everyone to tip toe in my presence ( that lacks the honestly that is the only thing I will ever ask for! ). I hate the fact that you were such a big thing. And that you didn't know it or that you did and I got blown off, because frankly it hurts. I got the lousy end of the deal. I hate the fact that there was such a gross misinterpretation of the situation at some point and that you were probably responsible and that I was naive enough to think otherwise.

Having said all that, I don't hate you. Really. I just don't respect you as much as I used to. I used to think you were the greatest person on two legs. I admired your intelligence! I wondered at the thing you accomplished in your few years of life. I used to lie awake at night thinking about you and wishing you the best in life. I still pray for you, you know. I still hope that you will finish fighting your own nightmares and find what it is you're looking for. I still think you are wrong, but maybe I'm just bitter and I don't want to deal with you or it right now.

I don't have to send this to you or post it or tell you how I feel because someday you will read this. And you won't ever know who it was from or what it was about and neither will you know that it is directed to you, and for you. This will be the last thing you will ever be getting from me. You won't know, but you'll recognize enough of that I have written to know that no matter who it is from or for, it is talking straight to your heart. There is enough of truth here.

I imagine that when you do, and if you do, read this, you will find it incredibly enlightening. You will probably have some half-baked trip into guilt, so right now I am going to tell you that this isn't about you anymore. You might want to call me and ask if I have ever written something like this or maybe you'll just wimp out and email me. You might want that.. But I doubt you'd ever do anything. You would rather have the guilt remain unconfirmed so that you don't have to deal with it either.

You're a sorry excuse for a human being. I'm glad you're gone.

Concrete Make-Up...

Has anyone ever wondered why we always have to act as though everything's okay when it's not? Why aren't we allowed to show our vulnerable side? Why do we have to be strong? Why?

Most of the time people do the above. Pretend that everything is hunky dory and that they're not dying inside. The hurt, the pain, the betrayal., All locked up inside that wound, and you can bet your life it's going to fester!

You act like nothing's the matter. You put extra effort into being nice and congenial. You always let the other person go ahead of you in line. You smile when your friend gets the promotion you worked your butt off for months. You stay silent and just nod when your friends talk about such happy topics like love and hope. You read more poetry so you won't give up on the world. You watch more sad romantic movies when you're alone at home, allowing yourself to cry at all the sad parts just so you can feel that the human part of you is still there.

You get this sort of balance, you know - You're one person here, another person there. You control yourself and force down the bile that rises up your throat each time you walk past a " certain " someone. You deny your inner emotions. You keep telling yourself that you're stronger than this, you can overcome it all, even heartbreak and sorrow.

You know you won't die inside because, heck, there is nothing inside of you. Repeat this to yourself over and over again. Write it on a post it note and stick it to the mirror or refrigerator. You'd be amazed at how well it can work.

You grip your glass firm though your hands are trembling. You refuse to lose. You can win, you will win, you have won!

After a while, you won't even have to try. You won't even have to pretend.

Now, you can look at the most heart-wrenching scenes and not even blink.

Death is nothing..

Lost love is just a waste of time.

And there you go. Goodjob. You're here. Dead. Don't forget to laugh.

And remember, never ever ever look back :)

Jelly Beans. Not Jelly Bean...

I'm feeling bitter today. If you're in a bubble happy mood and don't want to have your bubble popped then, please save this post for one of those blue days. I'm just full of angst.

" Never frown; you never know when someone's falling in love with your smile. "

I'm sure everyone of you has heard that saying. If you haven't well, pat yourself on the back, now you have.

I for one happen to think this is silly. Why? I'll tell you why.

Because! No one should be falling in love with my smile. Instead, they should be falling in love with me, not some wiry expression I have pasted onto my face. It's like pointing at a five scented candle pack and saying you only one the white vanilla candle. Chuck the rest!

You know, if you can't fall in love with me as a whole, then don't bother. If all you like is my stupid, sloppy, crooked grin then, I don't think I want you in my life at all. It would be better without you. You should be falling in love with my frowns, my constipated look, my smiles and everything else about me.

Falling in love with a smile is just like falling in love with a porn star through their picture you saw on the web. Still sound pure to you? Heh.

Perfect Is Woman-Made...

I was talking to Izzy a few weeks ago.. Maybe more than a month by now. I don't know. I tend to lose track of time now. Well, we were on the topic of " your knight in shining armor ". You know, your dream guy fantasy. I know you've had it. I have to. Just that most of the time his face is blocked out by the shining sun or something. Heh.

At age seven or eight, fairytales fill your head with crazy thoughts of men being all that and more. Then mummy comes along and tells you that you deserve a certain standard; Someone who should love you and have a decent job, good family, you know the drill. So yeah, you've been pre-programmed. So here's our image of the guy we want :

An independent guy who is able to support and love us. He should be able to speak his mind yet switch to his more tender and sensitive side when dealing with us. He doesn't have to be a total gentlemen but ensuring doors don't smack into our faces would be nice. And the list goes on..

Then reality happens and you realize, shoot! Men aren't as those fairytales said they would be. Finding one that mummy described is almost close to impossible too! What the heck. Oh and to make matters worse, you realize you don't really like the proper guy too which is your entire dream guy's package.

Yeah. Basically everything isn't going your way. Your dream guy doesn't seem to be coming along at all! Woe was me. But there is this one dude. He's nothing like your perfect guy. In fact, quite the opposite. But he's nice enough.. You like him and maybe even love him. But logic tells you no! That's not your dream guy.

Well, tell logic to butt out! Because one thing you've learned from then till now is that, fairytales don't happen. Your happy ending isn't going to find you. In fact, you can wait for all eternity. It ain't happening, not in this lifetime.

You want one, you make one :)

Pass the Cup Around..

If I've blogged about this before, I apologize. If I haven't then, please continue reading. I know I can simply just clear up the conclusion by checking my older post but I don't really feel like doing that at the moment.

I have come to realize there are two types of people in the world. The first type are those with a long string of ex-boyfriends or ex-girlfriends. And that's okay, you know. Dating around and deciding, finding out what you like and what you don't. And of course, need I mention you'll also gain lots of experience? ( not in that way, you fool! Get your head out of the gutter! ) But the downside is that you have to kiss all those frogs before finding your prince.

Then there's the second type. These people, I can relate to. I am one of them. We're not someone with a long long list of ex's. It's like, we try our best not to allow ourselves to be " tainted ", so to say. We just wait for that one person. But why? Why would you just keep yourself to that one when you could try others? Why don't you date around and see what you like? What you want? I don't know about other people but here's how I feel.

Let's just imagine I'm a full cup, filled with only the best wine. And when I date a person, they drink from me. If I take too many, so many people would've tasted of me and then, if I'm not careful, there won't be any of me left. I'd be an empty cup. But if I waited, for that one person, for that one right person whom I am meant to be with, he could have all of me. A full cup of the best wine all for him. And that's all I want to give him. All that I am able to.

My logic is, why kiss all the frogs when you can just go right for your prince? Who cares if he might be a Shrek, he's YOUR prince :)