DTR Talk..

It's been a while, hasn't it. This is going to be a really long post ( not kidding this time ) so please do read till the end. Smile! It's a lovely day; appreciate it.

Go back to primary school. You’re in the class room, and the teacher’s writing something on the black board ( yeah, they’re still using chalk! – which would sometimes come flying in your direction if you didn’t behave ) There is a soft buzz about the class with several students murmuring, fighting, bickering.

Well, there you are, not copying whatever the teacher is writing on the black board simply because you’re just going to borrow your friend’s notes later anyways. Why write it down now? Besides, if you do it now, you’d actually HAVE to answer the questions. Later? Answers are already there. Simple.

You look around your classroom and you see a boy sitting a few seats away. You think he looks good. His shirt is tucked in, his collar propped up properly and, not doing his work either. You keep staring and staring, and then when your eyes meet, for that split second, your stomach does a flip flop. And you think, “ I like him.”

Wasn’t that your first “ oh-so-significant other?”

You'd giggle, blush whenever your eyes meet, play catching with each other, collect saga seeds and even a pencil fight if things got really serious in the days of cooties and being chased in the playground. Back then you might have a boyfriend or girlfriend, meaning that you never talked to each other or sat together at lunch, but EVERYONE knew that you were a cute little couple.

They'd sing, " Britney and Kevin, sittin' in a tree...." – you know how that song goes.

This of course led to your face turning ten shades of red, and you’d be able to challenge a tomato for the “ Most Red Award.” And then, you decide you no longer liked your little friend anymore.

In standard 5 – about form 2 was couple-hood; without even going on a date to see if they liked each another. Remember? I like you, you like me = we are a couple. I’m sure it started with you being asked out first, then you told your parents that you’re going out with, “ Tom, Dick and Harry – if you’re a boy” or “ Rosy, Suzie and Lulu – if you’re a girl.” Your parents would flip if they found out you were going out one on one with a boy/girl. So you guys go for movie and a meal or something. Those were they days of 2 week couple and if you were together longer than a month, if meant you guys were serious and if it was longer than 3 months, you guys were going to get married.

Then when you “ graduated ” to being a high school student as in form 4 and 5, the big shots of the school, things began to solidify, a little, into specific categories, and the terms which defined all the stages of dating had become important. Friends would always ask, if not wonder how serious were things, or if you were just dating, “ experimental period ”etc.

So now in college, these problematic phrases and words are still plaguing me, and I'm sure they've caused problems for other people out there. Endless frustrations because neither of you wanted to say anything about where you guys stood, therefore both keep quite and go with the flow. The guy is wondering if he should ask her to be his “ official ” girlfriend; with label but he’s afraid to because he thinks the girl wouldn’t take him seriously. I mean, after all, he IS the class clown. Then the girl, sitting there night after night, sms-ing or on the phone wondering when this buffoon is going to “ pop the question ” so to speak, to ask her to be his official girlfriend and wondering why on earth he’s taking so long. I mean, it's understood; you like me, I like you, it only makes sense that we end up together.

Have you ever noticed the words we use to describe our romantic or intimate relationships? It’s completely ambiguous! Especially now that we’re in college so there are so many different people from all over the world. Different geographical areas and walks of life that we’re bombarded with an assortment of phrases that are neither sensible or accurate. Heck, most of the time it makes NO sense at all!

Take “we hooked up,” for example. What does that really mean? To one person, it might mean he kissed her good night. To another, it might mean they copulated so many times she lost count.

Then there’s “dating,” or even “seeing one another.” You first have to choose whether you want the exclusive or non-exclusive version of each. Non-exclusive means you both agree that this is an open relationship and that both are allowed to see other people. And if you opt for the exclusive approach, would you be willing to call that person your girlfriend or boyfriend? What is the label?

Also, dating there are two meanings or should I say grades.

Dating - Two people hanging out together who know the outing is not just a 'friends thing.' You can date as many people as you like. Dating comes after several “ outings ”, which is to say you aren’t really 'dating' after only one date or even two. No commitment or assurance that both of you will continue to pursue this budding relationship. Normally this is the non-exclusive grade.

Dating dating - Okay, this is where it gets tricky. The repetition of the word here is where the seriousness comes in. This is the same use as the familiar 'shopping shopping,' which, as everyone knows, is much more costly than mere 'shopping.' There is also a stress whenever saying these words. Now this is the more almost exclusive. One step away from being exclusive dating.

Going out - This is where two people are seeing each other exclusively. Dating other people is forbidden or, at any rate, not looked upon favorably by others ( especially your significant other). 'Going out' was, in our parents time referred to as “ going steady ” which was actually less ambiguous than our current wording, but hey, times were simpler.

The DTR talk – Heard of it? This stands for “ define the relationship ”, which strikes fear into the hearts of many. This is where one might say, 'So, um, where do you think we're going with this (gulp)?' The DTR talk is something that is inevitable in any dating situation that lasts for an extended period of time. However, once the DTR is completed, there is a resulting period of relief for at least one, and hopefully both parties.

Anyways, I find the slang, labels and lingo and it’s use highly confusing and useless. The dating game is difficult enough as it is without people getting confused about how to refer to their relationships, if you “ qualify ” for the label and if you don’t, then what’s going to happen to me?

I’m going to die an old spinster surrounded by cats.

It's inevitable that people are going to get their wires crossed during the process. Honestly, I think it's impossible not to. I think we all need a Oxford’s for our love lives. A dictionary to spell it out straight forwardly what is and what isn’t. You know, where the line is drawn to differentiate this and that. Even better, why don’t we banish all restrictive relationship speech and just go by our instincts? Share and share alike, be content to just chill with one another and not attach weighty titles to relationships at all. You got that, no labels. Shocked?

Girls - can you imagine the agony of having to wait to analyze everything that came out of a guy’s mouth because there were no rules?

Guys - can you imagine how much trouble you’d get in for using the wrong word when you don’t even realize it?

I am personally all about honesty, either from friends sharing their love-lost stories or in my own relationships. If you had sex last night, don’t tell me you “did the deed,” and don’t attempt to communicate through an even more revolting code language of synonyms for intercourse. We are not 13 anymore. Heck, most of us are legal! Though we’re asians and have a reputation for not being able to talk about these sort of things because it falls under the “ unmentionable category ”.

Likewise, even if it’s as simple as a girl liking a guy or vice versa, just go ahead and be honest ( yeah right, easier said than done! So true.. ). Perhaps you’re just looking for someone to hold you while you sleep, don’t be afraid to make that known and don’t fear to do so without promising things you can’t keep, all in an attempt to live up to the demands of a phonetic expression. Try not to name it and label it, just go with the flow. It’s kind of funny to think about, but really, if we stop assigning ranks and names, just maybe we’ll avoid all of those “games” we college students hate but can’t stop playing.

But then again, maybe this vocabulary simply serves as a checking agent to keep us on our toes, to keep things interesting. The chase it more fun than the actual prize; not true all the time though.I don’t know what I would do if I thought I understood my relationship all the time. So unfortunately, we are forced to embrace the ambiguity of modern romance and muddle through as best we can. Good luck out there, I’m going to go try to hook up with some friends.