Last Leg...

I wish you wouldn't give up on the human race. I wish you wouldn't lose all hope in us. I wish you'd return to what you once where. I wish..

I know you're tired. I know you feel like you can't go on anymore. And I know that you just want to give up and stop playing this game. You say you're too old for it, and maybe you are.

You know, it's odd how sometimes you can break my heart without even touching it. Not only that, you don't even have to be talking about me. Just speaking of your experiences which make me so sad, I want to cry for you.

I know you're older. I know you've got more experience in everything. I also know that you want nothing more to love and be loved back. Yet, you can't obtain that one thing because you're jaded.

Jaded. It is a state that one becomes in when one has been exposed to too many bad things and loses their faith in the ability for things to change in a positive manner. Very similar to numb; is a bad thing because it causes one to lose their drive to want to fix things.

I know it hurts when you've put all your hopes and dreams and emotions and efforts into that one person thinking this time, it finally will be the right one for me. And then it just blows up in your face. It's tiring. It's draining. It's frustrating as hell.

But I'm asking you, this one last time. Don't give up. Just wait, wait a little longer. I'm right in front of you yet you see nothing.

So please, see me.

Invisible Ability.

Superheroes are something mystical and magical. What defines them are the super powers and inhumane abilities. Sometimes I wonder if I am one too.

I'm always by your side. I'm always there for you.

I'm always cheering for you and will always be on your side.

Yet, you don't see me.

I figured I must have the invisible ability.

Best friends of the opposite ( and now in today's world, even the same.. ) sexes. I hardly need to say anything more and most, if not all, of you would know the dangers of it. Emotions that may develop as you maintain that long string of friendship years. And then it just blows up in your face.

You know your best friend the best. You've been through thick and thin. You've also had your fair share of good times. Even watched him grow up. And also watched him go through his share of bimbos and lousy girlfriends. Through all that, you've always been by his side, supporting, cheering and loving him.

And yet, he doesn't see you as someone who could become his life partner. Heck, he doesn't even give you a chance. Afraid of what may happen if you say anything, you keep these beautiful precious feelings locked away in your heart. Burying them for all eternity.

Just so you can keep him close.

Just so you can see that goofy smile of his again.

Just so he'll continue to hear you whine about your lousy group mates and assignment.

Just so he'll be there for you.

Just so he'll stay your best friend and nobody can question your actions.

Just that is enough, right?

Be satisfied, my greedy heart.

Today is Enough.

I learned many things when I was young. Many of those things crushed and put and end to my blissful childhood. Such as, Santa Claus isn't real. And the toothfairy really was my mummy leaving money under my pillow. When I was really young, I also learned that forever doesn't exist.

My best friends used to say " We'll be best friends forever."

Many of them I hardly even remember anymore.

" I'll be with you forever." Many boys have said this till sometimes you wonder if it's only lip service. A sort of obligation that each of them are required to profess to you.

None of these ever happened. Forever is like a mystical elusive beast. One of which I have never encountered. I have also never heard or seen it existing in reality. Seeing is believing, right?

So when you say, " You'll love me forever ", what am I supposed to think?

I'm sorry I doubt you when you say such things to me.

I know it hurts you when you think that I don't trust you.

That I don't believe you when you speak of your visions of eternal happiness together.

Of shared memories, happy moments and lazy Sunday mornings spent in bed together for the rest of our lives.

But how do you know that what we have, what we share is able to withstand the test of time? Of emotional volcanic eruptions that are sure to come? Are we strong enough? Will I be able to see the relationship through? It doesn't even have to be in a romantic sense.

What if you move to a far far away land? Will you keep in touch? Will I see you? Or what if I wrong you so badly that you can't even stand the sight of me? How will you hold my hand through those tough times anymore?

So don't speak to me about forever.

I just want to hear about today. Please.

Bestfriend Shackles.

I sit across you at the restaurant and watch you gush about that girl you're so in love with. Your eyes light up with such affection and intensity, your cheeks tainted just the slightest pink and your smile; Your smile is one of pure bliss and happiness that you've finally found that one special person you can hold close. You speak about her 24/7 but I guess it's only to be expected for smitten couples. How I wish I could have even just a fraction of that.

I'm the perfect best friend. I'm playing my role as I should. As what is expected of me. I listen, advise and understand all you're going through.

I hurt when you hurt.

I console you when you're down.

I'm there for you when you're on the verge of insanity.

I'm worried about your well being.

I want to make it all better but I know I can't. That fact alone kills me.

When the storm between the both of you have passed, I'm glad you're happy again. I really try my best to feel happy for you.. As I should.

But I feel like a fraud.

Why? Because although I play the role of the perfect best friend, at the back of my mind, there is a nagging thought that refuses to leave me be.

I want you to break up with her!

How can I pretend to tell you to keep trying, keep going and it's all going to be better?

" Don't worry, you'll overcome this bump in the road. I know you can. She's the one. Don't fret, she loves you. And you love her! Just give it some time. Only time will tell. Don't give up, she's too special to lose! "

Can you imagine how much it kills me to say such things to you? In actuality I just want to scream at the top of my lungs, " Dump her and be with me!" But I can't. Because I'm the best friend. I'm not supposed to do things like that. I should be encouraging you, uplifting you and wanting you to be happy always. Because I care for you. And love you.

So here I am again, sitting across you as you gush about her even more. Probably telling me what a wreck you've been the entire week because you had a fight but miss her so much.

And here I am, telling you to go back to her instead of ending it and.. Just picking me over her.

Because I am the best friend. Never the girlfriend.

I always wished you'd been mine.

Journey to El Dorado Gone Bad

I've had a very epiphany-full weekend. Tons of self realization and slaps in the face! And at the end of it all, I wonder, " Was I blind ?"

It was as though I was in the amazon jungle trying to find El Dorado, the city of gold! With nothing more than a parang in my hand, I fought through thick and thin to get to my destination. After putting in so much effort, blood and sweat, I finally found El Dorado! But wait, it's not the city of gold. It's just a rock; A big fat useless ROCK!

Have you any idea how disappointed I am? To have so much hope, expectations, respect and then to have it all blow up in your face, it just.. It hurts! It's frustrating! It makes me angry!

I don't care that rocks, under the right pressures can bloom into a diamond.

I don't care how much potential is has!

I don't care that it may be worth millions later!

I don't care! I don't care! I don't care!

BECAUSE, right now it's still just a rock. What if's and could be's doesn't matter.

All that matters right now is what is in front of me at this moment.

And it is still, a rock.

Has anyone encounters situations like that before? You think the world of the other person ( may be a boyfriend, girlfriend, significant other or best friend even.. ) only to find out they are actually not all you thought they were. You pour so much into the relationship and while it goes on, you think it's all good, the best and you lasted for so long! But one day, it ends and when all the biased feelings are gone, you see their true selves. And it's so ugly. You wonder what kept you from seeing that giant elephant right in front of you.

But all is not lost, because it has ended.

And you have seen.

And that's all that matters right now.

So, just try not to make the same mistake again because if you do, the one hurt will be you.

Honesty, how much is too much?

It's the raya weekend! And I'm still the only one posting. Sighhh.. I guess I should be used to it by now.

I'm going to begin with, " Honesty, the best policy ".
Now onward with our post :)

Let's just say you're about to start dating. Everyone around you gives you this same advice, " Just be yourself ".

But just how much of yourself should you be?

For instance, if you are a person who enjoys dirty humor, should you be looking for someone else who doesn't think dirty humor is the funniest thing on the planet? Definitely not if he wants to have a steady foundation in their relationship. So why do people still omit this important part of who they are when they meet another person?

You probably think that, " No girl is going to like that sort of thing " or " That wouldn't be a good conversation topic if I want her to like me ". But if this topic is so important to you, then why would you date someone on a different wavelength or frequency? The relationship then probably wouldn't even last that long.

Maybe that isn't really the case. Perhaps it's more like you're an avid gamer. In a conversation, you bring up the subject only to be shot down. But really, is it a loss for you? Rejection of this sort is the worst because this makes you feel nerdy, unsociable or not up to the other's expectations. It's ridiculous!

Ultimately, this sort of honestly comes down to this. If two people have TOO different tastes, what type of a relationship could they ever have? None.

Unless of course you're looking for something that doesn't last too long, say a one night stand or something of that nature then, by all means, " Hide the face, and F*** the base!" ( sorry for being crude.. )

But I'm not done just yet. One more thought. You're in a relationship, and your significant other comes up to you and says something that breaks your heart. For example, " I don't know what degree of love I have for you ". Whatever the other person says is for now, besides the point. What I'm trying to get at is this. Your significant other is just wanting to be honest with you! But it would hurt you so badly, yet a relationship is based on trust and honesty. ur heart.

My question to you is, honestly, how much honesty is too much?
Please let me know your thoughts, I'd really like to know.

Pages of Memory..

While in the shower this morning, I was giving myself a head massage and began thinking about highschool. I remembered this story. You decide on the moral yourself :)

When I was 15 ( wow, I can't believe it's been 4 years already.. ), a boy asked me to go out with him. He was a new kid, transferred in that very year and was quite geeky/nerdy. However, he had such a deep voice that didn't suit his almost childish features and style back then. Apart from that, I guess what took me in was also his vast vocabulary ( I love the english language and literature and the like.. ) and for once in my life, I felt like I had met someone on parr with me and I didn't have to ( this is going to sound really bitchy but deal with it.. ) go down to their level to communicate. He understood me and we could banter intelligently!

So yes, I did fancy him but yet, he was still labelled " uncool " and I was so worried with what everyone else ( I guess I had not much of a backbone then. I'm so glad I have changed ). So when he asked me out, I froze! I remember that I came to the decision in my mind that I didn't mind dating him and I'd give it a try. However, when I opened my mouth the complete opposite came out and I ended up rejecting him.

I know I should've done something about it ( and I know this sounds stupid ) but it happened so fast! I didn't know what was happening. It was like one moment he asked, the next I answered then he walked away looking oh-so-dejected and it didn't even register in my brain what I had said until he dissapeared in the crowd.

I. Should. Have. Been. Shot.

Two years later we were both 17 and somehow or another we ended up giving it another shot, the whole dating thing. Because of a misunderstanding, we ended up " breaking-up " after only a really short period of time. I thought that once I got my head together I might go clear up the misunderstanding only to learn that he had moved on.

What do I mean? A few days after we split, I heard that he had a new girl that he fancied. I was upset. Perhaps even crushed. To make matters worst, the girl and I shared the same name. But it doesn't end there. We were so alike in character and behavior that I felt he replaced me! Just like that.

I was furious! It occured to me that maybe I didn't mean that much to him if he could just take a substitute easily. So yes, I was very sad. I was very angry. And this whole story, part of my life incident has been a regret I have had until this morning.

It dawned on me that I didn't really like him as a boyfriend.

I was probably inflatuated and I liked the attention he was giving me. And yes, I did enjoy his company because he was such a good sport and we shared many things in common. He was fun, witty ( which I have learned I am drawn to as well.. ) and charming in a goofy way.

I liked him.

I fancied him.

I loved him as a friend.

But I wasn't in love with him.

I was in love with the idea of a boyfriend.

And I have only realized it today, in the shower, while giving myself a head massage.

I'm glad I'm over it :)

BL : Deciding Dates..

You know, it takes a lot of courage to ask " The Question " and I'm not only talking about popping the question for the ( hopefully ) final plunge. In short, asking someone to be your significant other, takes lots of guts, you know? So, lets just say you've gotten over that stage and you're convinced you really want to do this. Okay, fair enough.

Now, the thing is, when do you do it? How do you pick a day out of the entire 365 days we have in a year? Which date would be worth to signify the start of the " our " day?

Well, for some they like to do it on special holidays or worst yet, on birthdays and such. Which is okay, I think? But here's my take on it.

NEVER. EVER. Do it on your birthday, Christmas, new year or whatever else special date there is out there. Why? It's simple! Think about your future. For instance, if this.. relationship doesn't work out and you guys happened to get together on your birthday, imagine what you would be remembering every year from then on? You'll be thinking/missing the other person on that day each other. You can hardly ever enjoy the event fully that way!

I don't know what brought this thought on.

Maybe because it's my birthday. Who knows.

Anyways, my advice is.. there are so many other days out there. Just pick one that doesn't happen to be your birthday, christmas or whatever, kay?

Besides, you'll get two presents that way!

Instead of that El Cheapo combining two gifts into one. lol..

Sprint to Excitement..

You're sitting downstairs and the tv is flipped to a random movie that isn't very interesting. You allow your mind to wander and in the end, the tv just becomes background noise. All of a sudden, you hear a familiar jingle and your ears prick up.

It's your phone ringing!

Oh darn, it's all the way upstairs in your room. You think even if you ran now, you'd barely make it to answer the call. No matter, thinking of that potential caller whom you hope would call you makes running up those stairs worth it and so you do.

Taking a sharp corner to dash into your room, you skillfully avoid all the clothes and other thingamajigs on the floor to leap for your phone lying still on the table, attached to the charger. The ringing of your phone is about to reach that part in the song that would indicate the call coming to an end. You finally grab your phone off the table and your heart races as your eyes search the screen for that name you hope would appear.

Well, from there, it's either you're about to be pleasantly surprised or dissapointed big time by whoever calls. That's not the point of my post.

Rather, I'm here to talk about those little moments where your heart skips a beat, your breath catches and your tummy does a flip flop. A grin spreads it way across those lips and you grin, showing off those amazing cheekbones of yours.

I miss those moments where I'd run like a mad person through the house just to reach my phone in time. While running I'd think for a moment that if I was Dorothy of the Wizard of Oz, maybe I could click my red shoes just right to make that one person call me instead of finding my way home. Sure my head would argue that, that one person whom I want to call me the most, would be the least likely to ring me up but, a girl can hope, can't she?

I actually think it adds to the thrill a little. Like, because he doesn't call you often and you hope and hope and hope only to be dissapointed. But when that one time comes when he actually does ring you, all those things that I stated above would happen.

I haven't react that way in a long time.

Do I need to keep away from sugar but add more spice?

Dicks over Chicks?

Like Faye always used to tell me, " No matter what, friends always come before guys."

Magic Boy always says, " Bros before hoes."

It's basically choosing your friends over your boyfriend/girlfriend. I used to believe that I was that way too but recently.. I don't know. I'm beginning to doubt myself.

What motivation is there to choose your friends over that one person who may ( or not.. ) be the love of your life? I'm not trying to say that you should just totally ignore or ditch your friends. All I'm saying is that, though friends are important, there comes a time in your life where ( I think anyways.. ) you'll end up choosing that special someone over buddies. It's only makes sense.

Think about it logically lah.

Friends, though friends, are only friends.

Even after everything, that's all they'll ever be. They'll want to look for their own special persons as well. You're there for each other, support, bond, spend time but you'll never have that initimate relationship that can only come from your significant other(s).

Significant others are, boyfriends/girlfriends and potential lovers/husbands/wives.

Wouldn't you than choose them over friends? I mean, friends are important but 20 - 30 years down the road, after each of you are busy with your own lives, who are you going to be spending the rest of your life with? Your friends? or your husband?

The answer is plain obvious. Of course, it's not cool to ditch your besties ALL THE TIME for your boyfriend and cancel on them just because your boyfriend found out he was free.

So, maybe next time you would think twice about getting upset if they chose their boyfriend over you, neh? :)

Crazy In Love or Just Plain Love?

This came to me while Bloob Bloob was driving back, with me lying between the passenger and the driver's seat, while trying to talk to Ah Yee and Izzy. Ramblings really. 

Please let me know if you have something to say. I'd love it if you actually left a comment instead of the chatbox. That way I can actually keep track of it and look back. It just vanishes in the chatbox.

There's this person, who makes you feel like you're on top of the world. The feelings you feel with this person is beyond how others make you feel. In short, you're really really into him/her. So much so that you don't even see others; You don't take notice of them. You only have eyes for this individual. It might register in your brain that another guy is good looking but there are no forces of attraction beyond that.

But things don't seem to be smooth sailing between you guys. Probably will never end up together. Not in a million years.

Then there's this other person in your life. This one seems more like the " back-up plan " and second fiddle than anything else. You enjoy each other's company, there's some flirting here and there but, the passion and intensity isn't there as compared to the other person.

You think about it and, your mind says that this could work out between back-up guy if you work at things. So what then? What do you do?

It's a battle between your heart and your head.

Should you go for the back-up guy with whom it's just a very comfortable relationship but lack the passion and intensity? 

or..

Should you wait around for that second love to come around to sweep you off your feet again? Of course there's no guarantee that it'll happen again. I mean, how often do you meet a person who is able to ignite such feelings deep within you? Not many, that's for sure.

So, should you just grab what's in front of you though that's not really what you want? or opt for that chance that may or may not come to be once again, crazy in love. Of course, till that second love comes, you're going to be pretty lonely. I'm sure they'll be friends around but, you know it's not the same.

In the end, which will you go for? 

Crazy in love, or just plain love?

you know how in some relationships, couples fight and make up and fight and make up, and they dont fight for a long time, and then suddenly after one huge massive fight, they have a nasty breakup and probably never speak to each other again?


well, interestingly, i heard and read a theory about that and i'm gonna share it here.


there's a book romance novel in my house where it tells a story about a set of twins and a wedding and how the twin who was supposed to be getting married runs off with another dude and the remaining twin takes her place and bla bla bla. thats not the point of this though. there was one scene in the book where the newlyweds were on a plane headed for their honeymoon and they meet this elderly couple on the same plane. the elderly couple gave them a lil advice which was to never go to bed mad at each other.

oddly, my dear a certain somebody also said almost the same thing to me during most of our many fights. he told me to never end the day without knowing that he/she will be yours the next day.

i think that does help strengthen a relationship. it certainly has with mine. we do fight a lot and the main cause of all those fights is basically the mentioned big event in the previous post. and every single time before we put down the phone, he always makes sure that i am his at least for tomorrow.

the reason why the situation at the top of this post happens is cuz everytime they fight, somebody compromises and all the problems just get swept under the carpet and dont get solved. so it piles up and accumulates and then, it gets blown up in such a huge massive proportion that there is nothing that you can do to solve it but break up.

i used to be kinda am still like that. i hardly solve anything right away. everytime i get upset or i have a problem, i'll be upset and angry about it for a little bit and then i'll be smiling and happy again cuz i've taken it and locked it away inside a box. but when the box becomes full and cannot hold anything else, what was i to do? i had to empty it so that more problems can be stored inside. to my annoyance, i cant do that anymore cuz my dear will drag it out of me. we do fight about it but, i guess it has been solved by now. so it wont repeat over and over again.

well, i guess the perfect way to keep a relationship going is to tackle all problems at once and not hide it away. what do you think?

hello readers. sorry for the long absence. lately, i've been busy with quite a bit. hvnt really had any musings, well not as much as rachel la obviously. hahah:p

second chances. it get tough to decide whether a person really deserves it or not. you know the sayings 'once a cheater, always a cheater' or 'a leopard never changes its spots'. rather common sayings that shows that people who have done wrong do not deserve a second chance.

but to me, by right i think everybody deserves a second chance. well, im starting to talk about religion, but i really believe so. so, you give the person who did wrong another chance right? but who's to say that he or she won't screw it up once again? do you take the risk and leap off the cliff? or do you cling on to your safety zone, closing urself up just to protect yourself from being hurt again?

a lot of my posts come from personal experience. basically, my emotional life went haywire took a nosedive from a billion feet in the air at the end of last year. i was a wreck. seriously. rachel knows.

he aka my current...well. boyfriend, um, he got himself into a HUGE mess. when i say HUGE, i mean huge. it was such a big mess and he did hurt me quite badly until all my trust in him was gone. i trusted him a lot and just in a blink of an eye, it was shattered.

to cut the long sob story short, i gave him another chance. a final chance, with fair warning that if he ever screws up just a tiny bit, he'll be dead. haha:p but, until now, it seems to be the right thing to do. yes i do feel insecure at times where i think that he was not genuine when he begged me for a second chance and promised to not hurt me again and all that.

everytime i think back on that night where he shattered my trust and my heart, i always think whether i did the right thing in giving him another shot, whether it was worth taking the risk again, giving him another chance at.. i wont really say redeeming himself but showing me that he really wants to make us work. the doubt is there. it has been four months and still, it hurts to think back on that night.

but then now, when i mull it over, through all the fights that we've had since then, he's making full use of his last chance. i'm not gonna predict anything, but i think this might actually last. at least i hope it will. so what do you think? do you think he or she deserves a second chance?

Kettles Are Not the Enemy..

You know when you're young, just a child and you're wandering around the kitchen. Nobody else is around you. Plugged into a socket in a corner on the counter is this odd shaped thing with a pointy end. It's silver and you can see your reflection in it. There's also steam coming out from the pointy end. That's what we learned was called the kettle.

Now being the curious kid that you are, you want to touch it. Small hands take hold of the counter as you pull yourself up slightly to reach it since it's at the back of the counter. Finally it's within grasp and your small fingers make contact with it. What happens next? We all know. You release the kettle that burnt your little fingers and end up a mess of limbs on the floor in tears. 

Someone comes to your aid, probably calling the kettle a bad boy or something.. yadda yadda yadda.. You know how it goes. 

Now! Back to my post. You must be wondering about the title. I'm going to say this and you most probably wouldn't agree but, I say " It is good to have gone through heartbreak."

Woah, now. Don't be so quick to call me insane and chuck me in the looney bin. See, I'm equating touching the hot kettle for the first time with heartbreak for the first time. When you touch that kettle and it burns, you learn that touching the kettle hurts! In the same manner, when someone breaks your heart, you also learn it hurts! A lot! ( not that I would know.. )

So, since you know that if you get into a relationship and if it doesn't work out, next comes heartbreak which will hurt. Therefore, you would think twice next time about getting into a relationship and in that, you will be more cautious. 

When that happens, I think you also get a whole new perspective on relationships and life, because you wouldn't just jump right into a relationship with the next bloke that comes around. I mean if you're going to risk hurting yourself, you'll bet you'll look hard! The risk then becomes more real because you not only know the potential of heartbreak, you've experienced it for crying outloud!

In that, I conclude heartbreak is good. 

I wish I went through heartbreak.

Pffftt! That's a pretty messed up thought right there.

 

So, go get burnt by your very own kettle today! 

I highly advise it :)

TT : I'm into someone else, Sorry!

I'm posting on behalf of Izzy!

Yeah, I finally remembered what I wanted to post about.

If you haven't already heard about our adventure to Klang on Monday, I'll try my best to briefly relate it to you. 

A friend of ours, Thiru, played a prank on another friend, Daniel and to get back at him, we decided to pull a fast one on him. A little background story is that, Thiru is a close friend of Daniel and is head over heels over Izzy. Now that you're up to speed, back to my magnificent plan. 

The plan was to tell Thiru that Daniel and Izzy were now going out. Reaction? He was super upset, at one point he sounded as though he was hyperventilationg/crying and then afterwards he ignored all calls and text messages. This included even after they told him it was just a joke. 

Now, both of them ( Izzy & Daniel ) are so upset that we ( I just got pulled along for the ride ) ended up heading down to Klang just to see Thiru. When we get there, Thiru makes us wait for about 10 - 15 minutes and once he gets there, he acts all high and mighty. What do I mean? He acts as though we only deserve to grovel at his feet! He doens't even come to greet us, he just gets off his bike and walks straight into the mamak greeting everyone else but us. Acting like he's some bigshot, ignoring our existence completely, as though to say, " you should've thought about that before you decided to play the prank".

Then there was talk about how he was so upset he wanted to whack Daniel up over the little prank. And, how it was such a bad joke and he was really upset.

FUDGE YOU!

Now! Post dedicated especially to Izzy!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ 

If you were EVER trying to decide if you should get together with him, here are some things to consider. You know I'm not his biggest fan so it's a little biased. Try to ignore some of the biasness when reading this, yeah? 

If he gets so upset over a joke then, come on! Do you really think he would make a good boyfriend? And if he is able to even want, he doesn't even have to commit the act yet but the mere thought, of wanting to whack up a close friend would send your alarms ringing in your head already! How can you ever do that? Fine, it might not have been the best of jokes and it maybe downright bad, but that does not give you the right to want to beat up a close friend; a bestie even. It makes it sound as though friendships don't matter that much to you and you don't treasure that other person that much. If that's how you treat your bestie, I don't even want to know where the other half, girlfriend is. 

I'm not sticking around long enough to find that out. Read my lips, " Not worth it."

Then again, if he ends up crying over a joke like that, it could also mean that he really really cares about you. Also, it's quite understandable that a person's initial reaction to news like that cannot be good. I'd be even more concerned if he just said, " Oh okay. Best of luck to you both." So, I guess it's a good thing that he's serious about it and something that I'm suppose to type to make him seem like he cares and sounds smart.. but I can't. 

I cannot take a guy who just CANNOT TAKE A JOKE! 

That's not cool man. 

Especially a guy who acts like HE IS A ALL THAT AND A WHOLE BOX OF CHIPS!

Get off your freaking high horse man!

He's gotta be down to earth, able to take a joke in the end, and cannot be really upthere. I'd go crazy. I don't know about you, Izzy. Whatever you like though, I will not deny the fact that he WILL take good care of you but.. goodness! Not my cup of tea. 

it could be like a testing trick I guess; To know how important you are to him. You fill in the blanks :)

Step Outside These Walls...

I was wathing 27 dresses again. So, bare with me, okay. It's one of my most adored shows in the whole wide world. Maybe it's the wedding, the marriage, the storyline or maybe it's just James Marsden. Haha.. but I watched it again and, I ended up sobbing my eyes out again.

As we all know by now, I'm a long winded person so therefore it's going to be a long post. Hopefully not that depressing this time :) 

Jane walks into the restaurant to give George his wallet, because he's left it at the office, only to find that George's proposing to Tess. As Jane walks in, the music starts and the waiters unfold the banner that says, " Please marry me." and George goes, " No, no fellas. She's not the one."

I feel so sad for her. I mean, that's the man you're so in love with and to hear those words slip through those lips, doesn't it just break your heart? It's as though your heart just crashes onto the floor and shatters into a million pieces. And then you can hear those words echoing in your head. She's not the one. She's not the one. She's not the one. 

Rejection is never pretty, and then having to suck it up when your beloved baby sister walks through those doors and everything you've dreamed and hoped for, just gets thrown onto her lap. Everything you've worked for and you want. She gets it just like that. How can life be so unfair? Why can't I have that? And why am I not the one? Am I defective? Thoughts like that just destroy you. Rip your self esteem to shreads. And you can only question yourself; Am I not good enough?

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Next they're back home and Jane's daddy hears about the engagement. He's so happy, overcomed with joy, that he walks into the backroom to fetch their mum's dress. Then, he hands its to Tess for the wedding.

Imagine you're Jane. All you've ever wanted was to have the exact same replica of your parents wedding. That dress. One that you've held precious and dear all these years. You're looking forward to it so much for that one day when your prince will sweep you off your feet and you'll be able to put on that white dress and say, " Look mum, I'm just like you. This is my day." 

But in the end, Bridezilla, Tess, gets it instead. Your heart drops to the pitch of your stomach, you can't breath and though you want to kick and cry and probably tear Tess and your daddy to shreads, you can't. Why? You've got to be happy for your baby sister. It's only proper. You're only about to lose your mind. Life's so unfair. It's suppose to be mine! Get your own freaking dream and leave mine alone!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  

Jane ruins Tess and George's wedding by doing a slideshow about the ' real ' Tess and she feels horrid about it. She runs out of the restaurant and Kevin runs out after her onto the street. They're arguing about how Jane just ruined her life and Kevin says it's great that she's finally done something for herself. And the real reason he came tonight was so he could be there for her as he knew it would be difficult for her. 

The part that always brings me to tears, no matter what, is when he pulls her towards him and forces her to listen to him as he utters these very words, " But I want you to know that I think you deserve, I think you deserve more than what you've settled for. I think you deserve to be taken care of for a change. I believe that."

If I haven't said this enough, then I shall once more. Can't you see that's all I want? For me to reach the point when I shall be Jane. To deserve that; more than what I have settled for. That I deserve to be taken care of for a change. And the best part, is that someone other than I, believe that. I wouldn't be delusional that way. To be such a wishful thinker until I'm finally able to deceive and convince myself that I indeed deserve that. Every person on the face of the earth wants to know that they're good enough, nice enough, pretty enough to deserve something that special. Ultimately, to be loved. 

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

When Jane and Tess are in the hardware shop because their dad set them up and they're having it out about how Jane sabotaged Tess' wedding. After all the throwing of objects and other things, Tess finally comes clean about why she lied to George.

Tess : I just wanted to be someone he wanted. Someone he could respect. I wanted to be you.

Jane : Why? Why would you want to be me when you could be you?

How many times have we had this misunderstanding with other people? Everyone always thinks the other's life is easier, better and that the grass on the other side truly is greener. And I believe the only reason someone else can believe that is because we're such good actors to be able to convince the other person that the mask we have on truly is who we are. 

I guess in the end, we've just got to realize that other people, no matter how they try to play it off, they are insecure about themselves too. And sometimes, it's okay to have to lean onto others for a moment. After we gain our strength, then we can be who we are, for real, too. Because somewhere, outthere, someone's bound to love us. And that, includes our flaws.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After all that, the movie finally starts to move into resolve mode. Jane's wedding to Kevin Doyle finally arrives. As the bridesmaids are about to walk down the aile in the beautiful beach wedding, the camera goes back and forth between each bridesmaid and a potential partner with whom they allow you to assume are going to end up together. Then Jane's turn arrives to walk down the aile with her proud father at her side. And she starts narrating.. 

Jane : Everything was perfect. And I didn't care. Because right then, the only thing that mattered was the person waiting for me at the end of the aile. And he was looking at me the way I had always hoped. 

And then Kevin smiles. It's that look in which the whole movie relies on to make it big. The huge resolve that'll piece everything together. The whole movie snowballed to this one moment that would complete it. The feelings reflected in his eyes, just speak a million words. The adoratation, love and contentment is present.

Just like that, life might just be snowballing into that one moment we all hope for. To be able to experience it. It's the one we're tried to write over and over again in our stories and they just seem to come out wrong, or not good enough. Our perfet fairytale that we hope will happen to us; our wedding. And no matter how imperfect everything was leading up to that one moment, it wouldn't matter because those will just become minor unimportant details in the end. Look at the bigger picture, not the gritty itty bitty details.  

Once Jane arrives at the end of the aile, Kevin takes her hand. 

Kevin : So was this moment everything you hoped for? 

Jane : No... It's more. Much more. 

Marriage is a cause for celebration. 

Ammo Usage...

Lately, I've been missing you more than ever.

Maybe it's because I haven't been to KL in a while.

Maybe it's because I miss talking to you.

Maybe it's because I miss you telling me things as it is. 

Maybe it's because..

Because I just miss you.

And yet...

I can't find the courage within me to pick up the phone and dial you.

It's because I'm afraid that once I use up that chance, it'll be gone. 

That chance is all I have. When that's used up, I won't get it anymore. 

I'd be left powerless... alone. Hanging. Without any power over what might happen.

But.. if I keep that once chance, one opportunity, there might be some hope. Some chance to mend things. Make them better. Patch things up. 

And yet, the odds seem to be against me. 

Do you miss me as much as I miss you?

I hope so.

___________________________________________

I was talking to Adam just now on the way back from college. And he said quite a few things that, well, I hadn't thought about it that way before. Izzy probably knows who I'm talking about. 

Concerning the above, I do miss a friend and I haven't spoken to him in quite a long while. I don't think of him anymore than a friend, I promise. Just enjoy his company a whole lot. That's all. And well, because of something that happened in the beginning of the year, we're not really on speaking terms. And I want that to stop. Like I said, I miss him. And I don't want us to end on such a note. 

As mentioned, I'm afraid to ring him up because, what happens if he says, he doesn't want anything to do with me anymore? It would break my heart. I don't think I could deal with that. Really. I believe that. It would be my one shot at making amends. So, if I use up that chance, then I won't be able to do anything more. But if I don't, then I still have that opportunity to do so, right? Patch things up. Make things right.

Using weird gamer anology, Adam brought it into perspective.

Why would you want to keep your ammo? If you don't use it, then what's the use? You'd be killed otherwise. Even if you run out of ammo, at least you're killing more bad guys. Why save your ammo? And what're you saving your ammo for? If you don't defend yourself, you might get killed and then what? Game over. And even if you use all your bullets and lose by default, as least you gave it a shot and tried your best. 

That's all that matters, right?

Also, sometimes in a game, you have to shoot something to gain something. Like shoot a big truck to gain a health pack or more ammo, so in that way, sometimes you've got to take a chance to gain something more worthwhile. Even if it may not be your ultimate desired outcome. 

Just something to think about, everyone. 

And I think, I will call him :)

Hand Me Downs No More..

Do you have an older sibling? Remember that lovely purple mini skirt they used to wear and made everyone " Oooo " and " Ahhh " over it? Well, what luck. That skirt just got shoved right into your hands. Now won't you be the centre of attention? You'd finally have your turn in the spotlight. 

But that's not the case.

The skirt is no longer what it used to be. Worn out, tattered, full or rips and tears. Are you expected to trot around in this thing? It's horrid. So broken, it should belong in a trash can. But you can't bear to throw it out. You know it's past glory. You know what potential it once had. Yet, can it ever be restored to it's former glory again?

Probably not. It's a hand me down after all. You should hate hand me downs. You deserve brand new clothes that are able to withstand the test of time. Able to make you feel good. And make you more confident instead of leaving you sheepish all the time, wondering if people are laughing at you for wearing that tattered old hand me down skirt. 

Just the same, I don't want your hand me down love. I'm better than that. I've finally realized it. So, don't waste your time repairing the skirt. In fact, just toss it out the window. You can keep your lousy skirt. I'm going out to get myself a LV fur coat with a pair of Jimmy Choo's to go along with it. 

Fudge you. 

You Can't Fight Gravity Either..

Have you ever tried forcing a nail through steel?

No? Well, it doesn't take a genius to know what's going to happen.

Does the nail make it through the steel in the end?

We all know the answer; no.

You can't make someone love you.

It's impossible.

Not even if you do everything right.

Not even if you listen to everything they say. Not just the words they speak aloud, but the unspoken ones as well.

Not even if you can spot them a mile away in a crowd just because you know that's how they move. 
Not even if you're able to pick up their scent down a random hallway.

You can't make someone love you.

Not even if you think you can have anyone you like.

Not even when you want to give them pieces of yourself.

Not even when you give them your whole entire being.  

Not even when you're there whenever they need you.

Not even when you're there whenever they don't need you too.

Not even if you'd do anything for them. 

You can't make someone love you.

Not even if you asked them to. 

Not even if you can't stop loving them. 

You can't make someone love you.

Have I made myself clear? My heart breaks. Can you heart it?

I'm depressing like that.

I Want To Fall In Love..

I want to fall in love. 

I want to fall desperately and uncontrollably in love.
I want to feel that his existence is as important as every breath I take. 
I want to feel empty when he's not with me. 
I want to feel absolutely complete when I'm with him. 
I want to be miserable when he's unhappy.
I want to be happy when his life is going good. 
I want to be co-dependent. I don't want to be alone.
I want to be loved unconditionally.
I want to love someone unconditionally.

I want to fall in love. It's such a simple statement yet, entirely selfish. However, it isn't bad to be able to admit that there is an emptiness within us that we want to fill but have no clue how.

It's odd to want to try to express the empty feelings that gnaws when you're walking down the street and see a couple kiss or a valentine's card, knowing nobody is looking for one for you. It's difficult.
 
It's an emptiness that makes you feel like you've missed out. What happened to my share of frogs that I'm supposed to kiss? My highschool years should have been filled with at least one frog, or maybe if I'm lucky, with my prince, but all I have to show is nothing. Zilch. Where was my drama? My heartbreaks? It leaves you wondering what it's like to hold someone's hand. When did I make the wrong choice? It makes you feel left out. Naive.
 
Of course being alone isn't all bad. Nobody has ever been close enough to hurt you. But then, haven't you ever wanted someone to hurt you? Just for the sake of experiencing it. It's easy to keep going, occupying your mind until you can't actually feel anything. And yet, once you slow down, everything catches up to you and hits you like a train.
  
There has to be someone out there.. right?
Prince Charming, find me soon. Find me.

Catch the Vine, Swing Across..

Have you ever wondered how you should love someone? 

Should you cherish it to the point that you might become over possessive? 

or 

Should you just leave it be and almost take it for granted?

You probably don't really get me at this point, huh.

I don't know, I've been thinking that sometimes, you might be afraid to love too much because, if you do put yourself, 100 %, into it, you might end up hurt in the end. 

Basic survival instinct No. 1. Self Preservation.

Yet, if you're never able to commit yourself entirely, you'll never fully be in a relationship. It would be half hearted and that'll hurt the relationship even more. 

I don't know but I like what this says. I think it's good. But it's so scary. 

" The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost."

Grab it now or it'll be gone forever. Yet, that blinding leap to the other side of tha ravin is so scary. What happens if you miss the vine? You'll be falling into a deep dark pit. But, the prize on the other side is, worth it?

Don't you agree? I'm going off for camp now. 

Loves, everyone. Till I'm back.

Redundant Love

You know I was out with these two people for a couple of days and I couldn't help but notice so many things. I don't know why. Normally these observations are somewhat like a footnote only, but these particular observations were like the entire document in word art.

It just wouldn't stop plaging my mind.
It wouldn't shut up.
it wouldn't leave me alone!

Okay, a tinche of drama there, but that's me.

So, these two have been having some relationship issues and stuff for the past few weeks. Going through rough patches and such. Well, the boyfriend was obviously trying to win her back again since they broke, but I guess since they were sort of " on a date " that she was giving him that opportunity to " prove himself " and what other nonsense. * sigh * FINE. it's not nonsense but it sure feels that way.

Moving on, as we all know, the economy hasn't been very good. With that said, he's merely a student and as for work, it's only part time. But yet, he still pays for everything and I mean everything. Walk into a shop, he buys this for her. Go out for dinner, he pays and whatever else she wants. Aiyoh, I don't know. I mean, if he was filthy rich and all that then that's a different matter. And the worst part is that he's been borrowing money from other people which makes it.. I don't know. It's just really bad.

It's hard, you know, to sit by the side lines as a friend who cares and watch the girl twirl the guy around her little pinky. Worst-er still, is that she knows she's got him wrapped around her little pinky. And she toes with his heart strings and then leaves him cold. it's almost torture. I don't know what to make of it.

Not only that, she uses him and oh, she USES him. Pick me up here, drop me off there. Take me here, take me there. Isn't it nice having your own personal chauffeur? What more, this driver would give her world just to see you smile. He watches out for her feelings all the time. he gets stressed out because he's afraid she might not be happy. If anything goes wrong, he blames himself.

I guess it's driving me insane. I can't bare it no longer. Had to get it out. But after reading this, and I'm not just making it sound worst, I'll telling it as it is, doesn't your heart just go out to the guy? Don't you just want to tell him to ditch the girl and be YOUR BOYFRIEND? He'd be better off without her.

But you can't. Because she has his heart. And he's 100% devoted to her. It breaks my heart. It's almost like umrequited love. She's got full authority to trample all over his heart, then nurse it back together just so she can trample all over it again and again. Sadist.

All That Was and Could Be

I miss all that was and could be,
The butterflies that creep into you when you see his smile
Or when his hand reaches across the table to hold yours,
That embrace that holds your soul together,
Your head on his shoulder, letting you know that it’ll be ok,
The thought of him that spreads a smile on your face,
The endless late night conversations that doesn’t really make sense but leaves you with this overwhelming feeling of happiness,
The way he runs his fingers through every strand of your hair and making you feel like a child again,
The way your fingers intertwine just as your brush it against his,
The way he knows just by hearing your voice that you’ve had a bad day and just need to pour your heart away,
When he listens without a word and reprehends you subtly so you won’t
get hurt,
Laughing at the pet names he comes up for you,
Being in a circle of friends and sharing a thought so secret that you share it with a flicker and a graceful smile,
The way he kisses you goodbye for the world to see, to let the world know you’re his,
The way he talks about marriage and kids not knowing that you’re crying softly on the other line,
When he watches the “The Notebook” with you and tells you that it’s going to be us in 30 years from now,
When he shows at your door with a small bouquet he got from your neighbors garden,
How he purposely and annoyingly forgets its Valentines and surprises you with a lovely candlelight dinner at the park,
How he tries to cook you dinner but you end up having a microwave meal,
The way he sings a tune by Jason Mraz at 3am at your window,pissing off your whole neighborhood cause his out of tune,
When he sits next to your brother and tries his very best to assemble his complex looking robotic toy,
The way he grabs you and slow dances to the sappiest lovely song ever written,
How he helps your mum around the kitchen in a rather awkward manner,
The way he wraps his arms around you when you’re curled in a ball on the couch watching your favorite TV show,
How he calls you after a fight and tells you how he was the biggest jerk on the planet,
The way he gets you your favorite chocolate on a Monday morning,
How he exhales softly when you walk down the staircase in your new red dress,
The way he insist on picking you up from the mall even though it’s totally out of his way,
How he takes you shopping and refuses to let you get that new hot denim skirt on the window cause it shows way too much leg or so he says,
The way he shows up at your front door soaking from head to toe from the storm outside cause you were afraid of being home alone,
How he gets you a puppy for your birthday though his allergic to dog fur,
The way he gets you to skip school and escape to the beach for a lovely picnic,
The way he trusts you when you’re doing 160 in his car down the highway,
The dark stare he gives the guy that randomly throws his arm around when his known you for 5 seconds,
This was all that was and could have been
This is my version of a fairy tale,
This is what I would love to have had and had a glimpse of….

{If only Prince charming was sold on eBay}
-Izzy-

i know i know. it's been ages since i wrote a post here. have been busy. was doing applications to go to the us and i am glad to say that i've gotten accepted into every single uni i applied to.

anyways thats besides the point. i want to talk about LDR (long distance relationships). its an issue for me now that i am going to be overseas. the parentals have unconsciously inserted the fact that they think i should be boyfriend-less before going to the states, giving an example of a friend that went to the us first, leaving his gf behind here. but she eventually joined him in the us. so, no biggie.

well. what if you had to leave the person you love behind? what will you do? thats that main question. all this time, a lot of people have said to me the LDR's are a no no, a guarenteed failure. well, here are a couple of steps that a friend of mine had penned down about how to keep LDR's going. whether it'll work or not, i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

Both party would have to put in the extra effort and be EQUALLY committed.

• make time for each other.
• talk to each other at least everyday.
• don't think pessimistically.
• don't listen to his friends or your friends (you just don't know what their intentions are)
• snail mail each other. woohoo.
• ask the 10 or 100 or 1000 questions about each other (even before, I did this with Iman)
• play truth or dare (don't be too insensitive to your partner please ...)
• I got this from a website COOK & EAT together : "My boyfriend Neil and I are an ocean apart. (He is in England, I am in Michigan, USA.) On special days, usually Friday, we'll have a date night. A day or two before we'll plan a meal (We take turns giving each other recipes.) so that we can buy ingredients. We then dress how we would if we could really be together that night and eat together. This would be good with webcams, but neither of us owns one that works so we use chatrooms that we make ourselves. (iScribble, MSN, dA chatrooms, etc.) IMVU is also a very good idea for this, because you can dress your persona to how you would look. Try it! It's cute and fun, not to mention a good way to learn about the culture they're used to or one that they admire."
• Consider the fact that living far apart gives you both a chance to grow as individuals. Some couples 'break up' to find themselves but in a long distance relationship you both have enough space to do your own things and still have a connection.
• have hope for the both of you, you've come so far as one ... don't give up your loving in vain.
• Long distance relationships are difficult, as you are emotionally attached to a person you cannot touch or comfort and this can hurt your heart and wreak havoc with your emotions. The only way to make these relationships work is if you and your partner honestly believe you will be able to survive without each other for a considerable amount of time without the need or desire to be with someone else. (if you have plans or thoughts to be with someone else, get out of the relationship fast... it'll save the heartbreak!)

i will try it when i go over. i'll let you know how it goes. till then :)

It's All About Two People

This is my first post for the year! And exactly 3 months has gone by...my gosh!..*bah*
I have to add an extra New Year resolution to update this blog more!!!

I'm hoping for exciting things this year. New adventures and new experiences.I'm just need in need of things afreash...

Anyhoos...

The other day a friend of mine was going on about how this year is bad luck for relationships. She was giving me quite a few examples of this theory she's come up with. Going on about the many couples she knew who were amazing together but somehow just dissolved away so quickly. Leaving one very broken person and one very single person who can't wait to celebrate his/her's new found freedom.

She went on and on to the pointm that she nearly got me believing in this whole thing. I mean not only from her her view, but I've seen quite a few couples myself break up this year. Maybe it has to do with the bad economics..haha

But I realized that in the end, it's not about the luck or the year. It's really up to you. To sustain and maintain a healthy relationship, it takes two people to put in effort, to have patience, to build a strong trust tower and to have loadz of communication. Ego and pride should be non-exsistent.Forgiveness should be given generously but to a certain limit. Appericiation should exist every single day and truth should be spoken at all cost. If you want it to last, you really have to work for it. Putting your heart and soul into it.

Well darlinz, I'll try my best update more!

xoxo
-Izzy-

Brokee or Broker?

I know. After such long silence, I'm going on a massive post overload.
Why? Maybe because it's February.
You know, that mushy month with a day where all couples all over the world try to outdo one another with mushy things for their significant other.
No, I'm not bitter. Never..

Ever wondered why love is scary?

Essentially, loving someone is placing yourself in the hands of another person and making yourself totally vulnerable to dissapointment, frustration and heartache caused by them, be it intentional or not.

But you know what? That's the bit I can get past. ( or at least, I think I can. Fine, maybe not but for the sake of this post, let's just say I can, okay. ) There's some element of risk in anything, and there are all sorts of squishy reasons to go ahead and allow yourself that vulnerablity. The sticky part, as I see it, is something like this;

What if I end up being the one causing the dissapointment, frustration and heartache? Can I actually trust myself with this gift that the other person is willing to share with me? I am so imperfect, so prone to hurting another's feelings and entertaining my overactive imagination. What if somehow, I end up being the one to cause the damage?

I can't stand that idea. It terrifies me. To just think about hurting that one person I care so much about, it's unimaginable. I'd rather bite my tongue. And thus, these thoughts peck at my brain, attempting to drive me mad fretting about something that's not even visible on the horizon at this point in time. Or at any point in time in the foreseeable future.

I'm that pathetic.

Perhaps I just need some rest and everything will go away...

Lost Love.

I'm all about depressing posts lately. Bear with me. I'm posting these because, well, I have nothing more interesting to say and I don't want the blog to die either, okay! It's a good blog, even though not many read it. They probably drop in once in a blue moon but that's okay. Why? Because I'm writing for me. And you. Not them.

It sucks, you know, lost love. There're many forms, believe me, many many forms but, I think the worst lost loves are the childhood crushes. The Charlie Brown " little red-haired girl " ones. The loves that were so lost you never had them in the first place. And then inevitably, ten, twenty, maybe forty years later you run into one another and it's entirely awkward. You can call out your whole army of awkward turtles for this one.

What if he doesn't remember you? What if you've grown so senile you've forgotten him? Somehow you both get through the coyness and shyness and learn that back then, both of you did have a thing for each other and gee, why didn't you ever do anything about it? Neither of you know, really. You think back and come up with excuses but it doesn't matter.

It's too late.

Lost opportunity. Lost chances. Lost love.

Well, it's not too late, is it? You're both here now. And that's all that matters. You're both mature adults. So maybe you'd manage to get a hotel room or do the ' your place or mine ' thing. Then you get it on and the results is almost always so anti climatic. Of course it is! Because a person can never compete with the fantasy that the other person invented years ago. It's like Donald Duck trying to fly faster than Superman.

Or worse; One of you is taken. In the interum of the decades of lost love, one of you got tired of waiting and settled for someon who wasn't as good as the fantasy of the lost lover. You know what they say, there's plenty of fish in the sea. And why did they do it? It's because ( and this is the most important part ever ) THEY WERE THERE WHEN IT GOT COLD. So, there's not this other person in the picture who wasn't there twenty or thirty years ago and if she got involved, gee whiz, this might get complicated. So you begin thinking about all the ' damned if you do, daned if you don't ' scenarios. And ultimately, you realize what I've told you from the beginning.

That lost love really sucks.

Shabby may just be Right.

Today is such a.. lazy Sunday.
Sure, I'm studying but at such a leisure pace.
I'm actually rather terrified about my PR exam. Honest!
Have I mentioned I haven't even bought the PR textbook and it's midterms already?
Yeah, bummer.

I have an interesting story for you today.
__________________________________________________

There once was a girl. She was a pastor's kid, a nice good girl with a steady boyfriend. She was quite a looker really, attractive and smart with a good heart. Who wouldn't fall for her right? And, she did indeed have her fair share of admirers. Trust me on that.

And there was this one guy. He didn't come from a very rich family, rather, he was only average. Not that good looking, more normal and maybe just a tinche Shabby. He worked at the same company as the girl and had liked her for a long time. Each time he approached her, she would politely turn him down.

One day, a whole bunch of them went out drinking one night after work. They were all pretty tipsy, some even drunk. The girl in our story was one of them who was dead drunk. The guy offered to take her home since he was one of the only sober ones around. The rest didn't object and they left the shop to go on home.

They detoured from the way back to the girls house. He brought her to a motel and right there and then, he took her. She was semiconscious and by the time she woke up the next morning, it was all too late; She had been defiled.

There went her life. There went her dreams. What about her boyfriend? What about her life? Her family? Her future? What was to happen to her? People would surely look down on her now. She was.. a black sheep now. Tained.

But the guy was so sorry after that. He went to the family and apologized; he was so ashamed and sad that he had hurt her so. He just loved her so much. How would he justify his actions when they were just purely out of love? In the end, he proposed to her. He took responsibility.

The girl's boyfriend told her that it would be okay. He would still accept her even after she had been touched by someone else. Things didn't seem so bleak now, did they? I mean, people weren't throwing tomatoes at her at least.

However, she was so torn up inside. She had always believed that the one person that took her, she would marry. It broke her heart to think that because of that, if she chose to stick to her values/morals, she might end up marrying someone she didn't even love. And that she did. She married the guy.

And this is where the story ends.

_____________________________________________________

Doesn't that just kill you? To have your chance of a happy ending taken away from you. It's a real story by the way. Not a fiction of my imagination, sadly. It always almost makes me cry all the time whenever I hear it. I mean, it just pulls at your heart strings, you know?

And for the record, the guy and the girl are happily married right now with a daughter. She loves him and he loves her more than ever before. Everyone can see that. So, she did make the right choice. Though she never got the chance to marry her rich boyfriend ( who was the son of some jewelers ) she did get her happy ending, though in their case, they did a sort of backward dating.

It just goes to prove that you can learn to love someone.

The Little Things.

Do you know what's the hardest part of it all? The hardest things about unrequited love is not that I can never experience you holding me in your arms, not that I will never know the feel of your rough stubble when our lips meet, not that I will never know how it feels like to have you make love to me. Sure, those things can be difficult but they aren't the hardest things.

The toughest things are being unable to send you the love letters, being unable to hug you whenever I want, and being unable to entwine our fingers when they brush against each other. It is being unable to do all of the infinitesimal things that love requests me to do that really drives me insane. Love is like that. It desires, of it's own accord, to be expressed in some form. It is a constant force, driving my actions, telling me to reach out and just touch you, only for an instant, just the slightest brush of my fingertips against your face. Sometimes, I think the endless bliss of such a thing would be enough to stop my heart. And what a sublime way it would be to go.

Love moves all on its own. It requires no encouragement and no motivation. It is as if some sort of intricate and beautifully delicate perpetual motion machine has been set loose inside of me. Only you could do this. I cannot stop it and I cannot let it run free. It runs and runs and I wonder what it would sound like if it were a real motor turning within me. An exquisite sweet hum, and perhaps a sound like wind chimes on a summer afternoon. Still, the actions which it desires must be held in check. To use a silly metaphor that only a boy as wonderful as you would appreciate, I have to hold my foot on the clutch all day long.

It's all worth it though. I still get to write the love letters, even if I can't send them. And I do ask you for hugs, though I can't have them all the time. Perhaps once in a great while you might accidentally brush against my fingers with your hand, and even if it does not stop my heart, please do not be surprised when I stumble in mid-step because my knees have given way, and my voice gets caught in my throat as I try to explain what I would like to have for lunch. Only you could do this, and I would only ever want you to be the one who led me to such a state.

It's official. I need a life.

Tumble and Stumble.

I know I'm in the midst of my midterms. Well, not really in the middle, since it just began today but that's not the point. I was just thinking about unrequited love. I know, it's a pretty depressing topic. Meh, like I don't know that.

I'm sitting here supposedly studying for my Critical Thinking Skills exam but I have an urge to blog. Besides that, I just can't seem to concentrate since I began entertaining these thoughts.

His three types of smiles, of which one can send my tummy spinning in spirals till I feel I'm about to pass out from the excitement, the way he laughs as though he's so short of breath and his voice is caught in his throat, the way his nostrils flare when he plays his bass. I'm afraid to touch him, you know. Sometimes I can't even touch him casually like I would others. I almost don't want to feel the warmth of his skin in friendly contact. It would be easier if I didn't know him from a dream. I'm afraid he'll read this and know it's for/about him. I'm even more afraid that he'll read this and not know.

He smells like fabric softener. Not that impressive, I guess, but he does. I remember. I recall the rough carpet grass feeling of his hair and how it just seems to bounce back into place when he ruffles it. I'm afraid he'll never speak to me again. I can still hear his voice. How he was commenting about some words I used often and how they can be unhealthy. Things were more antagonistic then, in an almost unfriendly way. But now, I can feel the banter getting thin. I don't know the strain on him but I know the strain on me.

I hear him talk about how much he misses his family and I want to hug him in a warm embrace and chase all those pains away. I want to make things better; I want to make things right. But I can't! I seem to do everything wrong. Everything about me is bad, wrong, not good enough. Sometimes, he seems so far away that I can't help but think that maybe we're on total different levels. Maybe we aren't even of the same species. Who knows. But sometimes, it hurts that I can't slow down enough to be appealing.

Hah. It sounds so depressing, but in a way, I think it's beautiful on it's own.

][ Would You Jump? ][

Hello! Happy New Year to you all! I'm proud to be the first to actually post this year. It's awesome.

I'm going to start the year off with something that I've always wondered about. If you liked a said person a whole lot, cared for the person a lot and by God's grace the feeling was mutual! Wouldn't that be awesome? Of course it is!

Here comes the but. But, you know it will never work out between the both of you. Fine, maybe not that it wouldn't work out but rather that it would 80% not last. Or maybe by the circumstances of your future, it would be highly unlikely that this relationship would be able to withstand the test of time & distance ( let's say one of you goes abroad or something similar.. ).

The question now is, would you still go along with the relationship?

If you do, both of you would get so attached to each other, enjoy each other for maybe a year, maybe more and then when the time comes to part, the only thing left after the entire fiasco is two very hurt and broken people.

If let's say it does last several months as a long distance relationship then one of you just can't take it anymore and then it's byebye relationship. What then? Same diff. What would be left would be two frustrated, broken hurt people.

If you don't even get together, would you then be missing out on a chance of a lifetime? This could be your shot at happiness! ( eternal soul mate.. if you must ) But of course, if it doesn't work out, you wouldn't have felt like you totally wasted your money, energy, affection and whatever else here AND there would be no broken emotionally tormented people at the end.

So, which would you do?
As for me, it's still something I'm pondering and, I'm not getting any closer to the answer.